As It Stands Now

Time seems to have really gotten away from me in the past month. I feel as though I have been running in overdrive ever since the beginning of July and everything is speeding towards September. The only question that I really have is: am I ready?

So, let me re-cap the last month or so in a few paragraphs that will probably be disorganized and rambling.

I have learned a lot about myself this summer but, more importantly, I have learned about God a lot this summer. He has proved his faithfulness to me in countless ways, but I have not always been paying attention. Lately I have been incredibly distracted with moving back to Edmonton and it's been hard to focus on enjoying the moments that God has given to me today. I feel in my heart and soul a deep yearning to be quenched with knowledge of God and to revel in the promises that he has given me, but I am afraid to stop running away. I am struggling with being obedient, and it is causing my soul to ache with thirst and making my mind unguarded because of weariness.

I am learning that God is always faithful to me, regardless of my feelings. I am learning that my faith is not the central, defining factor to who I am. Instead, the object of my faith (Jesus Christ) is central to my life. My ability to have faith is not going to win me any prizes or get me to heaven. Rather, it is Christ's redemptive work on the cross that allows me access to heaven and that is granted to me by God's grace. The prayer of the father from Mark 9 has stuck with me in the past weeks. "I believe; help my unbelief." He believed that Jesus could heal his son, but he still had doubts. I am trying to understand that Jesus wants to remove my doubts. So often I have viewed him as a far-off God who does not care about my struggles, but this is not true. He does want me to succeed.

In the last two weeks, sadness and loneliness have become the two ever-present emotions that shadow every day. This place is familiar to me, because it defined most of grades 8 through 11. But I am tired of gazing at the same scenery and only seeing grey. In grade 11 or 12, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and creating my dream future. In the middle of this daydream, God cleared it away and replaced it with what he as for me. All I could see was sunlight pouring into a room and I could hear children laughing. Last week, I was really struggling with the inevitable return to Edmonton and the bleakness that I feel whenever I consider the next few years of my life. God reminded me of that dream he gave me and of the words he has been speaking over and over this summer: "I have more for you than this."

I realize that these thoughts are not very coherent, but I am tired and needed to just get things off of my chest/mind. My biggest prayer lately has been for freedom. Freedom, peace, and unshakeable joy. I feel as though I am holding onto God with only a few fingers from one hand and those are slipping too.

The last month is definitely taking its toll. I am rather tired of life.

-Elisa.