Monday, January 21, 2013
Grieving.
I went for a drive after Bible study tonight just so I could scream and cry. I was screaming at God because He's been pushing so many buttons lately and I don't know what He's been trying to get at. And then mid-scream I realized that He's been trying to tell me that I need to learn how to grieve again and to not be afraid of grief or what people think of my grief. Because the second safest place in my world - my church at home - has seemingly fallen apart and I have pushed my grief away without acknowledging it or letting it be felt and processed and healed. And I realized that He's trying to show me that grief is okay and it isn't to be feared. It hurts, but it heals. I hate that we have situations and circumstances that cause grief to occur, but grief has healed me before and I need to let it heal me again. I fight against grief because it reminds me of a time when grief was my identity and I was its victim. I fight against grief because of what people will say; that they will point out that time when grief overwhelmed me and I huddled under it for longer than I needed to because it seemed safer. I fear that people will judge me as being weak for needing to grieve...but I feel so deeply and I love so fiercely that I can't not grieve when my world is shaken and what was once safe now feels like it's teetering on a precipice.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
A Passion for Justice
I am silenced by fear and that frightens me. So, God, use these trembling hands to write something of worth in a world full of so many words that few actually resonate in our souls.
When I attended Prairie from 2008-2009, Jamie McIntosh from International Justice Missions Canada (IJM). He spoke about IJM's work in human trafficking and sex trafficking and shared a video about their work. I don't remember exactly what he said or what the video showed, but I remember being absolutely broken about what he shared. I could hardly pray with our worship team afterwards because my heart was just reeling from what I had heard about sex trafficking. I remember feeling that this was something that I wanted to dedicate my life to. But I don't trust my emotions and I didn't know what I could possibly do because who am I to be able to work in such an area? I have no experience, no skills, and certainly no idea of what I would be getting into. So I let the idea sit idle in the back of my mind and went on with life at Bible school (i.e., lots of Frisbee and late nights).
Fast forward to the 2010-2011 school year. New city, different school, a heart weighed down with emotional wreckage. And the same call. And the same doubts. This time I put a word to what the call was: abolitionist. To work towards the abolition of sexual slavery and one of the main things that exacerbates sexual slavery: poverty. But again, who am I? So I finished my diploma and started to work for a law firm and settle into a career. But I was not as comfortable in Edmonton as I had been the year before and I was looking for a way to escape. So could I escape through a very "Christian", acceptable means and go on a missions trip? I could get away from having to put down roots in a city that daily reminded me of my heartbreak and I wouldn't have to face my own "demons".
Enter 2012. What a year. Blessings and mistakes beyond measure.
I went to BreakForth in January and attended a session entitled "Screaming Injustice" that Simon Guillebaud of Great Lakes Outreach in Burundi was leading. He was so passionate when he spoke about his work and he urged us to choose one area, however small, to get passionate about. But he didn't ask us to just become passionate about the area, but to GET ANGRY! Anger does not come easily to me because I have always assumed that all anger is wrong. But anger towards the injustice in our world isn't wrong. And I got angry. Angry that we live in a world that allows, and perpetuates, sex trafficking. That children the age of my beloved cousin, Rachel, and of my cousin's daughter, Elleah, are trafficked. How do we allow this to happen? But most people don't know that it's happening, or they turn away because they assume or hope that someone else is dealing with the problem.
I came to the conclusion in 2012 that this is an issue that I just can't drop. I can't let go of it. It has grabbed hold of my heart and it is there to stay. So I dived in. I began researching and reading about trafficking; the causes, the perpetrators, and the victims. I have so much more to learn, but I know I will never fully be able to comprehend the utter depravity that is the heart of man to allow sex trafficking to exist. It needs to end.
I am not an expert on this subject. I am only beginning to understand the roles that poverty and politics play and the many faces that trafficking takes. But I am learning. As I learn, I pray that my heart won't become callused and jaded to the suffering of the victims. That they won't simply become a statistic or a story. That my heart will break for them and fight for them and work towards their freedom with everything that I have in me.
And amid the knowledge and the wrestling I have done, both mentally and emotionally, I am constantly driven to God's grace, sovereignty, and His heart of justice. I am passionate about His justice, but His heart screams for it. He IS justice. He IS grace. He IS sovereign. What I can only show a fraction of, He is in its entirety for He is the beginning and end of grace and justice. I become so disgusted with the world and our sin and I sometimes find it so easy to read about the traffickers and think that I would never do something like they do. Not only do I not know that, but my own sin is just the same in the eyes of God. And His grace is just the same for me as it is for someone who traffics children. His grace is the sweetest thing in my life.
So why am I writing this? For a few reasons.
1) I attended a film viewing this evening at Grant MacEwan entitled "Trade of Innocents" based on Ratanak International's work in Cambodia to free victims of sex trafficking and bring the traffickers to justice. Charlotte Bellis, Ratanak International's representative, urged us to do something about the urge we felt in our hearts about the movie, even if doing something meant just telling a friend. And I can write and I need to write, so I decided to write.
2) I have been silent for too long about the passions of my life. I felt that I could keep myself safe from challenges and hurts if I simply said nothing about what I am the most passionate about. I was afraid that people would tell me that there is no way that I, a little country girl from Gem, Alberta, could possibly make a difference to stop the epidemic of trafficking in our world. They would be right. But I have a passion and I have talents and God is in control of the rest.
3) People need to know. People need to understand that there are currently 27 million victims of trafficking in our world. Apparently that's the same number of people as the population of Australia and New Zealand combined. Two whole countries of people have been trafficked. And people don't know about it.
4) If you believe in prayer and want to pray for me as I consider what to do next to pursue this passion, I would appreciate it. I have a few options open to me, but I am not entirely certain how to proceed so prayer for clarity, wisdom, and guidance would be appreciated.
Anyways, that's about all I have to say. If you want to read more about IJM or Ratanak International, I have put the links below. I have also put a link to the Somaly Mam Foundation, which was founded by Somaly Mam, a Cambodian woman who was sold into sexual slavery and forced to work as a prostitute for ten years. Her organization now helps to free women and children from sexual slavery and provides counseling, schooling, and training in various trades so that the women can be self-supporting.
http://ijm.org/
http://www.ratanak.org/
http://www.somaly.org/somaly-mam
Elisa.
When I attended Prairie from 2008-2009, Jamie McIntosh from International Justice Missions Canada (IJM). He spoke about IJM's work in human trafficking and sex trafficking and shared a video about their work. I don't remember exactly what he said or what the video showed, but I remember being absolutely broken about what he shared. I could hardly pray with our worship team afterwards because my heart was just reeling from what I had heard about sex trafficking. I remember feeling that this was something that I wanted to dedicate my life to. But I don't trust my emotions and I didn't know what I could possibly do because who am I to be able to work in such an area? I have no experience, no skills, and certainly no idea of what I would be getting into. So I let the idea sit idle in the back of my mind and went on with life at Bible school (i.e., lots of Frisbee and late nights).
Fast forward to the 2010-2011 school year. New city, different school, a heart weighed down with emotional wreckage. And the same call. And the same doubts. This time I put a word to what the call was: abolitionist. To work towards the abolition of sexual slavery and one of the main things that exacerbates sexual slavery: poverty. But again, who am I? So I finished my diploma and started to work for a law firm and settle into a career. But I was not as comfortable in Edmonton as I had been the year before and I was looking for a way to escape. So could I escape through a very "Christian", acceptable means and go on a missions trip? I could get away from having to put down roots in a city that daily reminded me of my heartbreak and I wouldn't have to face my own "demons".
Enter 2012. What a year. Blessings and mistakes beyond measure.
I went to BreakForth in January and attended a session entitled "Screaming Injustice" that Simon Guillebaud of Great Lakes Outreach in Burundi was leading. He was so passionate when he spoke about his work and he urged us to choose one area, however small, to get passionate about. But he didn't ask us to just become passionate about the area, but to GET ANGRY! Anger does not come easily to me because I have always assumed that all anger is wrong. But anger towards the injustice in our world isn't wrong. And I got angry. Angry that we live in a world that allows, and perpetuates, sex trafficking. That children the age of my beloved cousin, Rachel, and of my cousin's daughter, Elleah, are trafficked. How do we allow this to happen? But most people don't know that it's happening, or they turn away because they assume or hope that someone else is dealing with the problem.
I came to the conclusion in 2012 that this is an issue that I just can't drop. I can't let go of it. It has grabbed hold of my heart and it is there to stay. So I dived in. I began researching and reading about trafficking; the causes, the perpetrators, and the victims. I have so much more to learn, but I know I will never fully be able to comprehend the utter depravity that is the heart of man to allow sex trafficking to exist. It needs to end.
I am not an expert on this subject. I am only beginning to understand the roles that poverty and politics play and the many faces that trafficking takes. But I am learning. As I learn, I pray that my heart won't become callused and jaded to the suffering of the victims. That they won't simply become a statistic or a story. That my heart will break for them and fight for them and work towards their freedom with everything that I have in me.
And amid the knowledge and the wrestling I have done, both mentally and emotionally, I am constantly driven to God's grace, sovereignty, and His heart of justice. I am passionate about His justice, but His heart screams for it. He IS justice. He IS grace. He IS sovereign. What I can only show a fraction of, He is in its entirety for He is the beginning and end of grace and justice. I become so disgusted with the world and our sin and I sometimes find it so easy to read about the traffickers and think that I would never do something like they do. Not only do I not know that, but my own sin is just the same in the eyes of God. And His grace is just the same for me as it is for someone who traffics children. His grace is the sweetest thing in my life.
So why am I writing this? For a few reasons.
1) I attended a film viewing this evening at Grant MacEwan entitled "Trade of Innocents" based on Ratanak International's work in Cambodia to free victims of sex trafficking and bring the traffickers to justice. Charlotte Bellis, Ratanak International's representative, urged us to do something about the urge we felt in our hearts about the movie, even if doing something meant just telling a friend. And I can write and I need to write, so I decided to write.
2) I have been silent for too long about the passions of my life. I felt that I could keep myself safe from challenges and hurts if I simply said nothing about what I am the most passionate about. I was afraid that people would tell me that there is no way that I, a little country girl from Gem, Alberta, could possibly make a difference to stop the epidemic of trafficking in our world. They would be right. But I have a passion and I have talents and God is in control of the rest.
3) People need to know. People need to understand that there are currently 27 million victims of trafficking in our world. Apparently that's the same number of people as the population of Australia and New Zealand combined. Two whole countries of people have been trafficked. And people don't know about it.
4) If you believe in prayer and want to pray for me as I consider what to do next to pursue this passion, I would appreciate it. I have a few options open to me, but I am not entirely certain how to proceed so prayer for clarity, wisdom, and guidance would be appreciated.
Anyways, that's about all I have to say. If you want to read more about IJM or Ratanak International, I have put the links below. I have also put a link to the Somaly Mam Foundation, which was founded by Somaly Mam, a Cambodian woman who was sold into sexual slavery and forced to work as a prostitute for ten years. Her organization now helps to free women and children from sexual slavery and provides counseling, schooling, and training in various trades so that the women can be self-supporting.
http://ijm.org/
http://www.ratanak.org/
http://www.somaly.org/somaly-mam
Elisa.
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