Grieving.

I went for a drive after Bible study tonight just so I could scream and cry. I was screaming at God because He's been pushing so many buttons lately and I don't know what He's been trying to get at. And then mid-scream I realized that He's been trying to tell me that I need to learn how to grieve again and to not be afraid of grief or what people think of my grief. Because the second safest place in my world - my church at home - has seemingly fallen apart and I have pushed my grief away without acknowledging it or letting it be felt and processed and healed. And I realized that He's trying to show me that grief is okay and it isn't to be feared. It hurts, but it heals. I hate that we have situations and circumstances that cause grief to occur, but grief has healed me before and I need to let it heal me again. I fight against grief because it reminds me of a time when grief was my identity and I was its victim. I fight against grief because of what people will say; that they will point out that time when grief overwhelmed me and I huddled under it for longer than I needed to because it seemed safer. I fear that people will judge me as being weak for needing to grieve...but I feel so deeply and I love so fiercely that I can't not grieve when my world is shaken and what was once safe now feels like it's teetering on a precipice.