Jon Thurlow - Strong Love

This song makes me happy whenever I hear it.

"Give Me Faith" - Elevation Worship

the sounds of high school

I am weeding out my iPod because it is almost full (it's one of the old 8GB Nanos that I've had for years!) and there are so many songs that I skip over without actually listening to because I can't stand them anymore. Some of the music hasn't been listened to in four years, but every once in a while I come across a song that I still like that takes me back to a specific time in my life.

Right now I'm listening to "Broken" by Seether featuring Amy Lee which was one of my favorite songs back in the day. I was in the depths of depression and self-injury when I first heard this song and it managed to bring some hope into my life. I remember a friend making me listen to it and, after that first hearing, I listened to it repeatedly for weeks. For some reason the words reminded me that I wasn't alone in my pain, even though the song does not speak of God. When I listened to this song, I realized that it was okay to be broken and that I was not a freak for feeling as I did for so long. I felt as though life would never get better, even though I hoped every day that something would change to make me feel accepted, loved, and precious.

So what did change?

Honestly, I don't know how I escaped self-injury and recovered from depression. It seems terribly cliche and "Sunday-schoolish" to say simply that it was God, but that is the only answer that resonates inside me. All I really know was that I was told one day that I had to tell my parents about my self-injury or I couldn't return to camp, which was devastating and motivating because camp was the only place where I felt accepted. So I told my parents and, to date, that is the most difficult and terrifying thing that I have ever done. But after that day, July 30, 2006, I stopped hurting myself because I became accountable to the people who brought me into the world.

The day after I told them, my pastor's wife asked me to think about my identity and what, or who, exactly defines it. I remember searching for fulfillment among the boys in my high school (much to my chagrin, now that I reflect upon those years...) and among my peers but always feeling empty, which drove me further into depression and self-hatred. But on July 31, 2006 at approximately 10:38 a.m. (I used to record the time of my journal entries and what music I was listening to while writing), I wrote the following words:

Who am I, as a daughter of Christ? My head understands that I am a precious jewel in Christ's hand, but my heart doesn't seem to catch on. I'm loveable, treasured, and cherished by God. I hurt Him when I mess up but He's always willing to welcome me back into His arms. I am striving for perfection, knowing that I won't attain it in this life, but trying to achieve it anyways. With Christ, I acknowledge my mistakes, repent, and move on. I am searching for what He wants; for where I am to go in this life. I am wanting to run with God but not knowing how. I want to take myself off the throne of my life but don't know how. This is who I am.

The past eight months of my life have been the most difficult yet and I was tempted to contemplate suicide and self-injury more often than I would like to admit. I was more depressed than I was while in high school, yet I would not trade those months of pain for anything. Through the past eight months, God has shown Himself to be so incredibly faithful as He refines me, changing my heart to reflect His desires for my life. There were days this summer when I would be mowing my aunt's lawn and I would literally scream at God because my heart hurt so much that I could barely think or breathe. But, through the days and weeks of screaming and wrestling with all the thoughts that constantly bombarded me, God kept whispering, "Trust me. Trust me. Trust me." Oftentimes, I would cry so hard that I would retch but Jesus always reminded me of His presence and that He was before His Father's throne, presenting my heart and desires to God for me because I couldn't form coherent prayers by myself.

Now, as I sit here in the room at my parents' house that has been mine since I was five, I feel light. This room has always been my safe haven where I could break down without having anyone watch and judge me for being so broken. I find myself thinking about 2010 and everything that happened, and I realize that I have never laughed more than I did in 2010, nor have I felt more sure of where God wants me to go with my life. I had more prayers answered in 2010 than ever before and maybe that comes from the fact that I prayed more in 2010 than ever before. I struggle daily with pursuing Christ to the utmost, but when I look back at my sixteen-year-old self's journals, I realize that I have come so far in the past four years that I am almost unrecognizable. And I am okay with that.

Happy New Year.

Elisa.

a new understanding of Christmas. for me, at least.

"Promise of a Lifetime" by Kutless

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted

Looking back at me
I know that you can see
my heart is open to the promise of a lifetime.

My heart is so torn apart tonight for the people that I love. Yet it is not my love that heals, but Jesus' love. And that's what Christmas is really about, right? And it's not with my strength but His that I can face tomorrow and the future with any certainty that everything will turn out as He has planned. And He will not give me more than I can bear, for He knows my heart and what I can handle. I am His beloved, and He is mine.

Merry Christmas, from my broken, healing heart to yours.

Law and Grace

Sometimes God amazes me with how He works, especially when I am being stubborn and unwilling to submit to Him. He is still faithful and still provides for me, despite my keen sense of pride and entitlement and my lack of thankfulness. His grace and mercy amaze me.

I am thinking of this tonight because every time I have attended Beulah Alliance Church, the pastor has spoken about subjects that I have journalled about and prayed over in the past week or even just in the few hours before church starts. Yesterday I wrote in my journal, "God, whenever I read Your Word, my eyes skip right over the grace and get straight to the condemnation." Tonight Pastor Taylor was preaching on Romans 7:14-25, in which Paul is trying to figure out why he still struggles with sin in his life when he desperately wants to be free from it. I have found myself in the same place in the past few weeks because there are some sins and temptations in my life that I struggle with almost daily, yet I don't want to do them anymore. I don't want to sin anymore, yet I find myself slipping back into it far too often. Daily, in fact.

Pastor Taylor was talking about the fact that we cannot free ourselves from sin because we don't have the power. However, Christ does and He has given us that power. We need to work at not sinning but do so through the strength that Christ provides for us when we become His children. By cultivating our relationships with Christ himself and focusing on Him, we will find ourselves struggling less. God wants you to love Him more than He wants you to "keep rules" because rules rarely create a deep sense of love or adoration for the person administering them. When we fall more and more in love with the Author and Perfector of our faith, we will find ourselves more in-tune with what pleases and displeases Him and we will want to work towards perfection out of a desire to please God, not appease Him.

God has grace that is unending and He wants to extend it to us. He doesn't want us to be bogged down by sin and feel as though we need to clean ourselves up before we can come to His throne and admit our folly. He yearns to give us freedom from our burdens and to show us how truly beloved we are.

Romans 8:1 offers such hope after the bleak reality of our inability to overcome sin totally while on earth. "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." I cling to this verse when I see my shortcomings and I need to bring my sin and temptations to Christ because He desires to help me and to see me become the woman of God that I am designed to be. It is scary to think that we are made for greatness because it is easier to be mediocre. But that is another whole topic that I won't get into right now. I can only do these things through God, whose power is made perfect in my weakness.

Well, that's all my ruminating for this evening. I hope I didn't write anything heretical or theologically unsound.

Elisa.

Here

Hearts emptied, bared before
the throne of Heaven
Shaking in fear and shame
for my wickedness and nakedness


In this moment, I am Adam.
I am Eve.


I was never perfect, though made
in God's image,
but their sin is my own
As I lay before my LORD God,
at His feet where I recognize fully
my unworthiness,


I am transformed


The barrenness is negated
and the sins committed every minute
are wiped away
as He reaches out His hands
There is silence here


I rest solely on His grace,
His compassion, mercy, and love
As my soul rests from screaming,
from railing against itself,
I find relief and comfort


Every emotion is heightened
yet it is not overwhelming,
rather it is relaxing
For here, and only here,


I am safe

I wrote this on August 31, 2008 and felt like sharing it again.

-Elisa.

hands and feet.

Often I wonder how I could possibly change the world when I am such a small person with so many fears. I hear the words in my heart "change the world" but I do not know what the first step in that mission would be.

This year seems like such a waste right now because I am not doing anything. I find myself wondering whether or not I should even be in this program and taking these classes because I cannot see any purpose to it right now. Of course there is the purpose of finding a job after I graduate in April, but there has to be a larger reason for this time of training. I am frustrated because I want to be out on adventures and conquering the world for Christ, instead of wading through pages of legal cases about ruptured spleens and soft tissue damage. I love what I am learning but I want practical, hands-on application for it. I want to be out saving the world, not sitting behind a desk.

I find myself longingly studying applications for internships with International Justice Missions and the A21 Campaign instead of wanting to work on homework. I don't even know if God has an internship overseas in His plans for me, but I hope and pray that He does. I read stories of girls being trafficked for prostitution and my heart breaks and the only thing that I can think is "Take me there, God. Just take me there so I can hold them and help them and heal them somehow! Let me be Jesus to them."

Following quickly on the heels of those prayers, though, are the ever-present thoughts that I am not strong enough to go overseas, I am not knowledgeable enough of international legal processes, I am not called to go and my pride is just telling me to go. The list is a long one and it makes me doubt this passion in my heart for justice to be done and for these girls to be freed to know what love is. Who am I to go on a mission such as this? But despite all my fears, I want to go. I want to be Jesus' hands and feet in whatever capacity He would have for me.

Take me there, Jesus.

-Elisa.