Well, I need to be out of Residence by April 26 so I have been looking high and low for a place to call "home" for the next year of my life. Because I don't know what my exact income is going to be each month, I have been budgeting on the conservative side because I would rather be surprised to find that I have more income than I believe than side-swiped by making less than I am spending on rent, groceries, car insurance, etc. It has bee interesting to discover what $589/month will get someone and what $900+ will bring. The range is huge!
For example, the place that I "toured" this morning was $589/month with heat, water, and cable included in rent. Parking was an additional $55/month (that's ridiculously steep for the parking lot that they offer) and then electricity was sub-metered. So that sounds like a decent deal, right? I think that I have a fairly open mind about where I could potentially live but I was scared as soon as I walked into this building. As a single, young woman I cannot imagine living in a place like that. I felt like I was in the dodgiest area of Berlin in the middle of a Jason Bourne movie, except it wasn't the cool fight scene part but the part where he wanders through the dark alleys and there are rats scurrying about underfoot.
With all that being said, I cannot help but be thankful that God has blessed me with enough that I don't have to live there. I have the choice of where I can live and, if it came down to it, I am sure that my parents would let me move back home before they would let me live there. I don't know the stories of the people who live in that apartment building and maybe that truly does feel like home to them. I feel as though I have come across condescendingly and that was not my intent. This morning made me thankful. I have more than enough and not because of my own efforts but because God, for some unknown reason, saw fit to bless me with being raised in a family that never wanted for anything.
So what have I done with those blessings in reaching out to those who do want for the things that I take for granted? Often when I think of blessing, I am reminded of a picture that my friend drew while I was at Prairie. Amy's drawing was of a pitcher that had water flowing into it from above, symbolizing the blessing that God pours into our life. But the pitcher was also overflowing and splashing on the ground all around it, which symbolized how we should receive blessing and then let it flood out to those around us. So how do I bless people with the abundance that I have? Can I bless people if I am not dwelling in the blessing of God?
Funny how a simple apartment tour can bring up so many questions in my heart.
-Elisa.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Jon Thurlow - Fountains
Cast all your cares on Me
'cause I care for you, I care for you
Cast all your cares on Me
'cause I care for you, I care for you
'Cause all your fountains are in Me
and I have everything you need
so just keep coming back to Me
And those who call upon My Name,
they will not be put to shame
just keep coming back to Me
So come to Me if you're weary
and I'll give you rest, I'll give you rest
My yoke is so easy
and My burden is less, My burden is less
And all your fountains are in Me
and I have everything you need
Just keep coming back to Me
And those who call upon My Name,
they will not be put to shame
so just keep coming back to Me (x4)
Keep coming back to Me,
so just keep coming back to Me
Just keeping coming back to Me
Remember that I am a rewarder of those who seek Me
I am a rewarder of those who seek Me
Keep coming back to Me,
keep coming back to Me,
keep coming back to Me
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Restoration
I wrote this post out in my journal a few nights back and finally am sitting down to put it on here.
"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
I don't claim to know every kind of heartbreak. I have lost friends to cancer and I have lost friends to car accidents. The pain for each was different; the heartbreak was different. I have watched friends have their family members die slow deaths to cancer or be woken in the early hours of the morning to an unexpected knock on the door bringing news of a fatal car accident. In each situation the heartbreak that I felt for my friends was different. I have seen lives and families torn apart by divorce but I don't claim to know that sort of heartbreak. I have watched friends tumble down the abyss towards suicide - that heartbreak I know. I have seen young, feminine hearts crushed by undeserving boys who promised beautiful things and then delivered only tears. That pain, I know.
I have never lost a spouse to death or divorce. I have never lost a child, sibling, or parent. Yet, the loss and the heartbreak that I suffered rocked the very foundations of my world and caused me to question my existence and purpose. So how much more would these other heartbreaks shatter one's heart, dreams and possibly, beliefs? I know that a break up between a boyfriend and girlfriend resides on the lower end of the proverbial pain spectrum and that hope is renewed differently than when a death occurs. However, it is still a loss of sorts and it hurts...sometimes agonizingly.
All of this to simply say, someday you will give thanks again. Maybe you'll never give thanks for the loss itself, but instead for the various blessings that may come from such agony. Yes, there are blessings amid agony. Jesus endured such physical and emotional agony on the cross to secure our salvation and banish death forever! If salvation is not a blessing then nothing is!
God works all things for the good of those who love Him. What good is He working in your heart and life? Maybe He's renewed your hope for the future and returned dreams to your heart that you long ago cast away. Maybe He has brought new friends into your life who uplift you and are there when you need someone to lean on. Maybe God has strengthed your remaining family and given you the closeness that you've always desired. And, most of all, maybe God's revealed more of His heart and His character to you through the months of agony. Maybe you have a deeper understanding of His love, grace, compassion, plan, purpose, and rest than ever before. That is the greatest blessing.
It has taken me nearly ten months to reconcile with God and be able to genuinely thank Him for allowing my heart to be broken. I am still broken and raw in areas, but my heart is stronger now through His restoration and I am no longer chained by the label of "broken". I have found that this restoration can only come when I am totally honest with God, even if that means that I am screaming at Him. I have found that He can take even my harshest words graciously and He forgives readily when I calm down and repent. My Jesus loves unconditionally and unreservedly.
So where is your heart? If you're in the dark night of the soul and doubting His existence, He is there. If you see the light growing brighter but the dark regularly swoops in to snatch at your hope, He is there. He is by your side as you lie on the floor sobbing. He is there when you find you have nowhere to turn but to Him, however begrudgingly you may go into His arms. He is there when you seek healing or distraction in momentary pleasures. And He is also there on the good days when you can smile at old memories with fondness instead of anger. He is there to the very end and beyond, when you appear before Him as His pure, righteous bride and He says, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Hold onto Him and hold onto hope, beloved. He will heal you.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23
-Elisa.
"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
I don't claim to know every kind of heartbreak. I have lost friends to cancer and I have lost friends to car accidents. The pain for each was different; the heartbreak was different. I have watched friends have their family members die slow deaths to cancer or be woken in the early hours of the morning to an unexpected knock on the door bringing news of a fatal car accident. In each situation the heartbreak that I felt for my friends was different. I have seen lives and families torn apart by divorce but I don't claim to know that sort of heartbreak. I have watched friends tumble down the abyss towards suicide - that heartbreak I know. I have seen young, feminine hearts crushed by undeserving boys who promised beautiful things and then delivered only tears. That pain, I know.
I have never lost a spouse to death or divorce. I have never lost a child, sibling, or parent. Yet, the loss and the heartbreak that I suffered rocked the very foundations of my world and caused me to question my existence and purpose. So how much more would these other heartbreaks shatter one's heart, dreams and possibly, beliefs? I know that a break up between a boyfriend and girlfriend resides on the lower end of the proverbial pain spectrum and that hope is renewed differently than when a death occurs. However, it is still a loss of sorts and it hurts...sometimes agonizingly.
All of this to simply say, someday you will give thanks again. Maybe you'll never give thanks for the loss itself, but instead for the various blessings that may come from such agony. Yes, there are blessings amid agony. Jesus endured such physical and emotional agony on the cross to secure our salvation and banish death forever! If salvation is not a blessing then nothing is!
God works all things for the good of those who love Him. What good is He working in your heart and life? Maybe He's renewed your hope for the future and returned dreams to your heart that you long ago cast away. Maybe He has brought new friends into your life who uplift you and are there when you need someone to lean on. Maybe God has strengthed your remaining family and given you the closeness that you've always desired. And, most of all, maybe God's revealed more of His heart and His character to you through the months of agony. Maybe you have a deeper understanding of His love, grace, compassion, plan, purpose, and rest than ever before. That is the greatest blessing.
It has taken me nearly ten months to reconcile with God and be able to genuinely thank Him for allowing my heart to be broken. I am still broken and raw in areas, but my heart is stronger now through His restoration and I am no longer chained by the label of "broken". I have found that this restoration can only come when I am totally honest with God, even if that means that I am screaming at Him. I have found that He can take even my harshest words graciously and He forgives readily when I calm down and repent. My Jesus loves unconditionally and unreservedly.
So where is your heart? If you're in the dark night of the soul and doubting His existence, He is there. If you see the light growing brighter but the dark regularly swoops in to snatch at your hope, He is there. He is by your side as you lie on the floor sobbing. He is there when you find you have nowhere to turn but to Him, however begrudgingly you may go into His arms. He is there when you seek healing or distraction in momentary pleasures. And He is also there on the good days when you can smile at old memories with fondness instead of anger. He is there to the very end and beyond, when you appear before Him as His pure, righteous bride and He says, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Hold onto Him and hold onto hope, beloved. He will heal you.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23
-Elisa.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
the sounds of high school
I am weeding out my iPod because it is almost full (it's one of the old 8GB Nanos that I've had for years!) and there are so many songs that I skip over without actually listening to because I can't stand them anymore. Some of the music hasn't been listened to in four years, but every once in a while I come across a song that I still like that takes me back to a specific time in my life.
Right now I'm listening to "Broken" by Seether featuring Amy Lee which was one of my favorite songs back in the day. I was in the depths of depression and self-injury when I first heard this song and it managed to bring some hope into my life. I remember a friend making me listen to it and, after that first hearing, I listened to it repeatedly for weeks. For some reason the words reminded me that I wasn't alone in my pain, even though the song does not speak of God. When I listened to this song, I realized that it was okay to be broken and that I was not a freak for feeling as I did for so long. I felt as though life would never get better, even though I hoped every day that something would change to make me feel accepted, loved, and precious.
So what did change?
Honestly, I don't know how I escaped self-injury and recovered from depression. It seems terribly cliche and "Sunday-schoolish" to say simply that it was God, but that is the only answer that resonates inside me. All I really know was that I was told one day that I had to tell my parents about my self-injury or I couldn't return to camp, which was devastating and motivating because camp was the only place where I felt accepted. So I told my parents and, to date, that is the most difficult and terrifying thing that I have ever done. But after that day, July 30, 2006, I stopped hurting myself because I became accountable to the people who brought me into the world.
The day after I told them, my pastor's wife asked me to think about my identity and what, or who, exactly defines it. I remember searching for fulfillment among the boys in my high school (much to my chagrin, now that I reflect upon those years...) and among my peers but always feeling empty, which drove me further into depression and self-hatred. But on July 31, 2006 at approximately 10:38 a.m. (I used to record the time of my journal entries and what music I was listening to while writing), I wrote the following words:
Who am I, as a daughter of Christ? My head understands that I am a precious jewel in Christ's hand, but my heart doesn't seem to catch on. I'm loveable, treasured, and cherished by God. I hurt Him when I mess up but He's always willing to welcome me back into His arms. I am striving for perfection, knowing that I won't attain it in this life, but trying to achieve it anyways. With Christ, I acknowledge my mistakes, repent, and move on. I am searching for what He wants; for where I am to go in this life. I am wanting to run with God but not knowing how. I want to take myself off the throne of my life but don't know how. This is who I am.
The past eight months of my life have been the most difficult yet and I was tempted to contemplate suicide and self-injury more often than I would like to admit. I was more depressed than I was while in high school, yet I would not trade those months of pain for anything. Through the past eight months, God has shown Himself to be so incredibly faithful as He refines me, changing my heart to reflect His desires for my life. There were days this summer when I would be mowing my aunt's lawn and I would literally scream at God because my heart hurt so much that I could barely think or breathe. But, through the days and weeks of screaming and wrestling with all the thoughts that constantly bombarded me, God kept whispering, "Trust me. Trust me. Trust me." Oftentimes, I would cry so hard that I would retch but Jesus always reminded me of His presence and that He was before His Father's throne, presenting my heart and desires to God for me because I couldn't form coherent prayers by myself.
Now, as I sit here in the room at my parents' house that has been mine since I was five, I feel light. This room has always been my safe haven where I could break down without having anyone watch and judge me for being so broken. I find myself thinking about 2010 and everything that happened, and I realize that I have never laughed more than I did in 2010, nor have I felt more sure of where God wants me to go with my life. I had more prayers answered in 2010 than ever before and maybe that comes from the fact that I prayed more in 2010 than ever before. I struggle daily with pursuing Christ to the utmost, but when I look back at my sixteen-year-old self's journals, I realize that I have come so far in the past four years that I am almost unrecognizable. And I am okay with that.
Happy New Year.
Elisa.
Right now I'm listening to "Broken" by Seether featuring Amy Lee which was one of my favorite songs back in the day. I was in the depths of depression and self-injury when I first heard this song and it managed to bring some hope into my life. I remember a friend making me listen to it and, after that first hearing, I listened to it repeatedly for weeks. For some reason the words reminded me that I wasn't alone in my pain, even though the song does not speak of God. When I listened to this song, I realized that it was okay to be broken and that I was not a freak for feeling as I did for so long. I felt as though life would never get better, even though I hoped every day that something would change to make me feel accepted, loved, and precious.
So what did change?
Honestly, I don't know how I escaped self-injury and recovered from depression. It seems terribly cliche and "Sunday-schoolish" to say simply that it was God, but that is the only answer that resonates inside me. All I really know was that I was told one day that I had to tell my parents about my self-injury or I couldn't return to camp, which was devastating and motivating because camp was the only place where I felt accepted. So I told my parents and, to date, that is the most difficult and terrifying thing that I have ever done. But after that day, July 30, 2006, I stopped hurting myself because I became accountable to the people who brought me into the world.
The day after I told them, my pastor's wife asked me to think about my identity and what, or who, exactly defines it. I remember searching for fulfillment among the boys in my high school (much to my chagrin, now that I reflect upon those years...) and among my peers but always feeling empty, which drove me further into depression and self-hatred. But on July 31, 2006 at approximately 10:38 a.m. (I used to record the time of my journal entries and what music I was listening to while writing), I wrote the following words:
Who am I, as a daughter of Christ? My head understands that I am a precious jewel in Christ's hand, but my heart doesn't seem to catch on. I'm loveable, treasured, and cherished by God. I hurt Him when I mess up but He's always willing to welcome me back into His arms. I am striving for perfection, knowing that I won't attain it in this life, but trying to achieve it anyways. With Christ, I acknowledge my mistakes, repent, and move on. I am searching for what He wants; for where I am to go in this life. I am wanting to run with God but not knowing how. I want to take myself off the throne of my life but don't know how. This is who I am.
The past eight months of my life have been the most difficult yet and I was tempted to contemplate suicide and self-injury more often than I would like to admit. I was more depressed than I was while in high school, yet I would not trade those months of pain for anything. Through the past eight months, God has shown Himself to be so incredibly faithful as He refines me, changing my heart to reflect His desires for my life. There were days this summer when I would be mowing my aunt's lawn and I would literally scream at God because my heart hurt so much that I could barely think or breathe. But, through the days and weeks of screaming and wrestling with all the thoughts that constantly bombarded me, God kept whispering, "Trust me. Trust me. Trust me." Oftentimes, I would cry so hard that I would retch but Jesus always reminded me of His presence and that He was before His Father's throne, presenting my heart and desires to God for me because I couldn't form coherent prayers by myself.
Now, as I sit here in the room at my parents' house that has been mine since I was five, I feel light. This room has always been my safe haven where I could break down without having anyone watch and judge me for being so broken. I find myself thinking about 2010 and everything that happened, and I realize that I have never laughed more than I did in 2010, nor have I felt more sure of where God wants me to go with my life. I had more prayers answered in 2010 than ever before and maybe that comes from the fact that I prayed more in 2010 than ever before. I struggle daily with pursuing Christ to the utmost, but when I look back at my sixteen-year-old self's journals, I realize that I have come so far in the past four years that I am almost unrecognizable. And I am okay with that.
Happy New Year.
Elisa.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
a new understanding of Christmas. for me, at least.
"Promise of a Lifetime" by Kutless
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me
[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime
Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me
[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted
Looking back at me
I know that you can see
my heart is open to the promise of a lifetime.
My heart is so torn apart tonight for the people that I love. Yet it is not my love that heals, but Jesus' love. And that's what Christmas is really about, right? And it's not with my strength but His that I can face tomorrow and the future with any certainty that everything will turn out as He has planned. And He will not give me more than I can bear, for He knows my heart and what I can handle. I am His beloved, and He is mine.
Merry Christmas, from my broken, healing heart to yours.
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me
[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime
Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me
[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted
Looking back at me
I know that you can see
my heart is open to the promise of a lifetime.
My heart is so torn apart tonight for the people that I love. Yet it is not my love that heals, but Jesus' love. And that's what Christmas is really about, right? And it's not with my strength but His that I can face tomorrow and the future with any certainty that everything will turn out as He has planned. And He will not give me more than I can bear, for He knows my heart and what I can handle. I am His beloved, and He is mine.
Merry Christmas, from my broken, healing heart to yours.
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