searching

Lately I have found myself shutting out everyone from my life, including my best friends. There is something telling me that if I let anyone in, they will take that trust and break it by leaving me. I have been left a lot in my life, especially by myself. There's a song by BarlowGirl called "Surrender" that has a line in it that says "my dreams are me". It's very true about me. For a very long time, I have lived my life as a life built on dreams. But they aren't sufficient, because so often they make me dissatisfied with what God has provided me with here and now. And now, I have these dreams that I don't know where they will take me. In the now, I am working at an assisted living retirement home and it's hard to get up and go to work every day but I have to because it is how I am going to get to my dreams. But if I get my dreams and lose God on the way, what's the point of reaching my dreams? I don't know what to pray for anymore, either. I feel selfish when I pray for wisdom, peace, or strength to face today because I feel as though I should already possess those things, as someone who has been to Bible school for a year and is "educated" in the Bible. My faith is so weak and my actions are so small. How can I reach a lost world when I can't even help myself? How can I be a voice crying in the wilderness, when the only wilderness that I see is the one that is inside my own heart?

I am lonely.