weariness and incapabilities

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to the safe cocoon of elementary school, especially grade 2 and 3. There was nothing to be afraid of except the dark and the biggest event in my life occurred when the Scholastic Book Club sent out its latest issue and I could finally order the new Ramona book that I had wanted for ages. Life was good, life was simple. Life revolved around pretend games, hide-and-seek, and reading books in the tree in my front yard, high up in the branches where nothing could hurt me. My best friends were the Bernstein Bears, Emily of New Moon, and the members of the Babysitters Club. Life was full of golden light, even during the winter, because then we could go skating on the sloughs and holding 'carnivals' for our pretend figure-skating lessons. Nothing could hurt me.
But now I find myself being stretched and pulled everyday and having to make decisions everyday that will somehow affect me down the road, even though I don't know what the consequences may be before I make my choice. I find myself searching for who I am among what others think I am and the truths of God's word vs. the images/nuances of society. I find myself looking to be more eloquent than I am, more knowledgeable than I could ever hope to be. Because of these things, I have trouble enjoying the moment that I am in because I am never good enough to please myself. And, because I am not good enough to please myself, then how could I ever please the God who created me?
Sometimes I want the world to simply slow down so I can gather my thoughts and lay them out in a logical order and find some sort of pattern or just see God's hand at work. I just need time. But I don't have it. Or, maybe I do have it, but I waste it on meaningless pursuits. But some of these pursuits bring me happiness, and that's something that I am not very willing to give up these days. I am scared of walking towards that cliff again, not knowing whether there will be Someone to catch me when I walk off of it. I don't know if I have the strength to go through that darkness again, but I see it lurking on the sidelines everyday, just waiting for me to stumble one more time.
And then I feel selfish for feeling as I do. For hurting as I do. For wanting Someone to notice and somehow reach out a hand to stop me from falling or to just pour love into my life that can change how I think. I want to open my heart wide for God's grace to flow in, but then it must again flow out and be reflected in my life but I don't have the strength to do that. This is all that I am and I am weak. I am imperfect. And that is all that I have to offer a broken world that needs so much more than I have to give.