where do we go from here?

Well, it seems like every April brings about changes in my life. I remember asking my mom at the end of last April why I was so tired and her answer being, "Oh, I don't know. You finished your first year of university, had your heart broken, moved home, and now you have to find a job. You tell me why you're tired." April 2010 will go down in history - my personal history, that is - as the most eventful to date. Yet it also sparked a deeper relationship with God and a reliance on Him that I had never before possessed. In many ways I feel as though I have lost that same desperate pursuit, but I recognized last night while talking with a friend that I am not going to be pursuing God in the same way now as I was last year. My life has gone from one of brokenness to one of great joy, blessing, excitement, and hope! I don't have to pursue God for healing from a broken heart any more...now I need to learn how to dwell in the blessings that He has given me and not just use them for myself.

It is hard to know what to do with the path that God has laid (lain?) before me. The past month has been an adventure of transition for me, physically and spiritually. I will be finishing my practicum next week and then starting my career (that's a daunting word). I am moving tomorrow into my first ever apartment (so excited!) and I will be living alone. I really feel a sense of God leading me to a place of solitude where I can learn who I truly am in Christ. I have been living up to the expectations of others and allowing myself to be molded into the image of what other people want, but I find myself exhausted trying to be someone who I am not. But I don't know who I am anymore because I have been going nonstop for the past month. I feel as though God is bringing me through this season of transition to show me what He wants for my life and to restore or replace the dreams that I have held or continue to hold. As cliche as this sounds, I need to learn how to be okay with being Elisa.

However, I know that my story is only one part of a much larger story and so I don't want to shut myself out from the larger story. I am asking God to renew my vision of the larger picture because I have often lost sight of eternity in the face of a deadline I face at work or the little details of moving apartments.

Two verses have been coming to mind often lately:

"Be still and know that I am God."
- Psalm 46:10

"'Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
The she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
'In that day', declares the Lord,
'you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.'...
I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the Lord.'"
- Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20

And one more, actually...

"Sow for yourselves righteousness,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the Lord,
until he comes and showers righteousness on you."
-Hosea 10:12

The metaphors of deserts, land, and the ever-blooming tree mentioned in Revelation have really been on my heart and mind lately. I am not sure if I am in the desert or not because I am still learning but I am not learning as much as I would like. I have been seeking other things and desiring other things, but I want to come back home now. Back home to Christ's arms so I can dwell safely in the arms of my Love, knowing that I am His Beloved.

Well, that's a long enough post for now. Yikes. I am nervous for the future because I cannot see my way forward, yet I am also excited because I know that God has promised to "give me every place I set my foot" (Joshua 1:3). He is faithful and I pray that He is growing faithfulness in me.

-Elisa.