There is no true way to describe how my heart feels when my car turns onto the road towards home and I can see the lights of Gem in the distance, with the stars overhead and my favorite music playing softly in the background. I feel as though the armor I have wrapped around myself can finally come off for a little while because I am safe at home and this is the one place where I can truly be loved. It is the only place I feel loved...and that breaks my heart, just as the loneliness that has been lurking deep in my heart is breaking me. I have been searching for a home away from the caring arms of my family, yet I cannot seem to find it anywhere. At the same time that I have been searching for this home, I have been seeking to be autonomous (a fact that a few friends have laughed at). I have had this dream/lie inside for years that, if I can just stop being so dependent on other people for anything, then I will be free from pain. I have found the opposite to be true. I am not saying this quest for autonomity is right or good, it is just there. I have long felt that needing people is a flaw (in myself only) because I have trouble seeing that anyone could need me. And if I am not needed, then I should not need others. Did that make any sense? And have I mentioned that I fight with my pride every day and my pride often wins?
There are many reasons for me having withdrawn from people: mistrust, inability to trust, insecurities, bitterness, fears, etc. None of them are very good, but I have not allowed myself to actually explore the answers and root out the problems. Instead I have let them compound and, thus, grow in their intesity. Also, I have not considered whether any of them are truly valid reasons and simply disregarded them, and myself by extension, as being foolish. Yet another fault.
This is not to say that everyday is a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. I love my job, I have a few supportive friends around me, the love of my family, and God has proven His faithfulness, just as He told me He would. I tend to discount the large changes occurring in my life and expect myself to have perfect composure and execution in every task presented in life. I believe some people would call that "undue pressure and stress"...or something like that. If I were perfect, I wouldn't need grace...instead, I am learning how desperately I need it.
Another thing I have been learning is that God is unchanging. Period. And that is a good thing. If God was as "changing" as I am, then the world would be dropped on its head daily because He would have just given up and walked away. As I dig deeper into my heart to root out the sin, I find more sin. And as I dig deeper into God, I find more grace. Always.
Anyways...that was supposed to be much more eloquent then it was. I wrote it out in my head on my way home from Edmonton but I tend to forget what I write when large birds fly out of the ditch and hit my vehicle. Also, this is why I try not to write after midnight.
Elisa.
No comments:
Post a Comment