Tumbling Thoughts

Well, I haven't posted anything for a little while. I find myself rather exhausted after work and I don't want to do anything except read a book and then go to bed. The topic/theme that has been tossing around my head for the past week is forgiveness.

How do I forgive someone when I really don't want to? What does true forgiveness look like and how would it play out in my life? I have discovered that I cannot forgive people on my own because I have neither the capacity nor the grace to do so. But Jesus has an abundance of grace, and I am asking Him to show me how to forgive and to do it through me and for me. I am still discovering what this is going to look like in my life.

God has also been asking me to follow Him willingly, without grumbling, wherever He wants me to go. I have been fretting about where I am to go after I am done school in April and dreaming of working somewhere exciting and new, where I can forget life and become anonymous. But I sense God asking me to slow down and just follow Him one step at a time. And that step in September will lead me back to Edmonton and I need to go back obediently, not begrudging the fact that He is placing me back there for a second year. He knows where He is taking me and I need to follow faithfully. Somehow.

Finally, a song that has been stuck in my head for the past three days is "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. I am not sure if I have shared it before, but it's still an amazing song. Go listen to it!

"Before the Morning"--Josh Wilson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qG1ThtgguE

"Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning"

-Elisa.

Literally the "Best Wedding EVER!"

A recurring theme in my journey with God lately has been His love for me as His bride. I have a lot of friends getting married in the next year or so (about 28 couples are now engaged!) and I have found myself becoming jealous that they are all planning their dream weddings and counting down the days to moment when they walk down the aisle and join their life with the man of their dreams. I am really far from that point of my life, but God's been showing me that I am always a bride. I am a bride today, and I have the biggest, best, most extravagant wedding to look forward to ever! I have the best wedding dress to wear ever! I can have that breathless anticipation today of the moment when I will see my groom face-to-face finally and He walks me down the aisle of heaven and places me before His Father. Someday Jesus is going to return and He is going to place on me His righteousness and holiness. And I will be able to stand before God and become one with Jesus, because I am hidden in Him already. It's so amazing because He extends this crazy, head-over-heels love to everyone. He pursues the ones He loves and He will not rest until His arms around us and we are no longer fighting to leave the safety of His embrace.

Maybe it's easier for girls to anticipate this sort of love than it is for guys, but I think it is something that more guys need to embrace. Men do not always have to be the conquerors, the chasers, the fixers. Jesus wants men, too, in all their manliness and need for conquest, adventure, usefulness, and everything else.

A song that moves me to tears lately is "More Than Ashes" by Tim Reimherr. He sings about this sort of love that Jesus has for us and who we are to Jesus. We are His rose, His lily, the one who can capture His heart with one glance from our eyes. Go take a listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHt7wdPGOTc

"I’m more than what these ashes say
They will fade away when He comes for me
By grace, through faith in Christ I’m saved
I am not the same when He looks at me

I am the rose, the joy for which You died
And this I know, I move You with delight
And when my heart condemns on every side
I take refuge in the truth: I am the rose to You

My life is more than meets the eye
I’m hidden now in Christ and I’m one with Him
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me

I am the rose, I am the lily
I am Yours, I’m Your beauty

There’s gonna be a wedding,
It’s the reason that I’m living, to marry the Lamb

I’m more than what these ashes say
‘Cause they will fade away when He comes for me
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me"

-Elisa.

Changing the World

When I was younger, I dreamt of being a famous actress and using my "star power" to change the world for the better. (Riiiight, like that's going to happen.) While I do not want to be an actress or any form of celebrity anymore, I still often think about "changing the world." What does that really mean, though?

Today while I was mowing my aunt's lawn, I realized that every single person changes the world simply by being born. (Oh so profound! Haha.) But, really, the fact that God spoke me into existence and ordained all of my days changes the world and eternity. But this isn't anything new to God, because He is the One who orchestrated everything since time immemorial.

So, now the question isn't "Will I change the world?" but "How greatly can I change the world with the time I am given and how?" Do I want to be remembered as someone who lived solely for myself? Or do I want to be remembered as someone who loved Jesus without limits and, therefore, loved everyone around me in a limitless way? I am instructed in God's Word that I am to love Jesus, and love others. I believe that love can change the world.

Here's one of my absolute favorite passages of Scripture.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13
And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gonge or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. And now these three reamin: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

That passage sends tingles through my spine and fills my heart with hope! It also makes me realize just how horribe I am at loving people. How often have I held a grudge or put my needs before those of someone else who is hurting more than I am? How often have I spoken something out of self-righteousness, instead of selfless love? If I loved in the way this passage describes love, then I would undoubtedly change the world. Love like this can destroy fear, ease hurt, and conquer poverty. It changes people. It transforms them.

But I think that I can only really love someone in this way if I am being continually broken by God. I have to realize that I cannot love people like this on my own. The only way that I could ever love someone without limits is if I were acting as a conduit of Jesus' love. I am human and totally messed up, but Jesus is perfect and He wants to use me to change the world and love His beloved. It amazes me that He would want to use a wretch like me to carry out His mission and purpose. But really, that's the only reason that I am here. My purpose is not to change the world for myself so that I get a nice eulogy, epitaph, and obituary. Who cares? My purpose is to love the lost and show them the limitless love of Jesus. Love that holds no record of wrongs, puts others first, and is endlessly patient.

Oi, I am so far from perfection...but praise God for His grace!!! So, I am going to leave you something that a friend of mine prayed at a girls' small group meeting that I went to the night before I moved home from Edmonton.

"And may God never ever let anyone make these [people] believe that they cannot change the world."

-Elisa.

Waves

Wow, so it's been a little while since the pain has hurt so badly that I can't breathe, but it just took my breath away. And nothing really triggered it...it just sort of appeared out of nowhere. I think I keep trying to run from it. It's weird because I run away from it by talking about facing the pain. Ha. I just want to be okay again...

-Elisa.

Work! Hoorah.

Well, I lost my entire last post because my internet decided to quit working. Awesome. So here's a brief recap of what the lost post said:

I have no job.

Well, that's kind of a lie. The lady from the Chamber of Commerce in Brooks decided against hiring me and the SPEC Association cancelled my interview because they filled the position. So that was discouraging. But I am currently working twice a week at Lynnae's parents' farm and also once a week for my aunt. I will be doing yardwork, painting, fencing, and whatever else needs to be done. My aunt also said that her sister may be interested in hiring me, as well as an elderly couple who need help with their yardwork. So, I could be pretty busy! I hope so. Unfortunately, this throws all plans for visiting friends (in Edmonton and beyond) up in the air because I may be working six days a week. This makes me rather sad, but we'll see how things go.

Also, I found out that I am eligible for two more scholarships! Hoorah! Free money = happy Elisa.

Anyways, I would love to share about a goldmine prayer that I stumbled upon in my Bible, but I really need to get to bed. So, I will have to defer that for now.

-Elisa.

His

Isaiah 43:1-5

But now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour... Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you..."

These words have been tumbling around in my heart and mind for the past few weeks. Back in the beginning of April, a classmate sent me a Scripture reference for something in Isaiah 40 and I happened upon the above verses, as well. Two weeks ago, I came across them again when I was doing my daily (or unfortunately, my not-so-daily) Bible reading. This past Sunday in church, an elderly woman shared these verses with the congregation and explained how they have been a source of strength for her in the past two years since her husband died.

The promises in these words are incredible! God created me, He redeemed me from my sin and shame, and He calls me by name! I find it amazing that God calls me by name. There are however-many billion people on this earth and have been billions before me, but God knows MY name and He calls ME forth into His light and to walk in His ways. He promises me that He will walk with me and He won't let me be burnt, drowned, swept over, or be set ablaze. I am His!

God says that I am precious, honoured, and loved in His sight. That is amazing because He sees everything about me! He sees all of the things that I don't want anyone else to see and try to hide, yet He still loves me. I never have to worry about Him failing me in any way because He can't fail me. He is God and He is perfect! He can't fail. I am thankful for that.

-Elisa.

Dragons! (now there's an attention-grabbing title...)

Currently, I am reading through The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis and I am on the fourth book, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. It has been said that Aslan, the great Lion, is a metaphor for Jesus. I have been keeping that in mind while I read and it is interesting to see how Lewis works his metaphor into every book and into every character, in some way. The most interesting passage to me is found in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and I stumbled upon it this evening so I thought I would share it with whomever is reading this. (Bear with me, as it's a fairly long passage.)

To provide some background, Eustace is the one speaking and he is explaining about how Aslan (whom he does not know about) has returned him to his human state, after being trapped as a dragon for several days. Eustace was a "beastly" boy and he complained about everything and everyone else, but he could do no wrong in his own eyes. He was made into a dragon because of his selfish and dragonish thoughts. So, onwards with the passage!

"So at last we came to the top of a mountain I'd never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden--trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it there was a well.
...The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me that I must undress first.
...I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. ...So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully... In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.
But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means that I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe. Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg...Then the lion said, 'You will have to let me undress you.'
...The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that mde me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off.
...Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off--just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt--and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been."

After this, Aslan throws Eustace into the well so that he can bathe and he realizes that he is a boy again, instead of a dragon. Aslan gives Eustace new clothes to wear and returns him to his friends.

What I found interesting about this passage is how it mirrors what Christ does to/for believers. He peels back our "skin" of sin and makes us a new creation in Him. He calls himself "living water" and we are called to put off our old selves and be made new in Him. Honestly, though, I can't get rid of my sin by myself. I know how wretched and awful I am and those are on my good days. It is only through Jesus that I can actually be free from my sin and be made new, perfected in Him. I won't be perfect on this earth, but someday He will return and then I will be perfected for eternity. I long for that day.

Jesus is continually peeling back the layers of sin in my life and it hurts. It cuts to my heart, and it's hard to lie still and submit to the cleansing. But it has to be done if I want to be free from my dragon-heart and thoughts.

Anyways, those were just some thoughts that I had while I was reading. Have a lovely evening!

-Elisa.