weariness and incapabilities

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to the safe cocoon of elementary school, especially grade 2 and 3. There was nothing to be afraid of except the dark and the biggest event in my life occurred when the Scholastic Book Club sent out its latest issue and I could finally order the new Ramona book that I had wanted for ages. Life was good, life was simple. Life revolved around pretend games, hide-and-seek, and reading books in the tree in my front yard, high up in the branches where nothing could hurt me. My best friends were the Bernstein Bears, Emily of New Moon, and the members of the Babysitters Club. Life was full of golden light, even during the winter, because then we could go skating on the sloughs and holding 'carnivals' for our pretend figure-skating lessons. Nothing could hurt me.
But now I find myself being stretched and pulled everyday and having to make decisions everyday that will somehow affect me down the road, even though I don't know what the consequences may be before I make my choice. I find myself searching for who I am among what others think I am and the truths of God's word vs. the images/nuances of society. I find myself looking to be more eloquent than I am, more knowledgeable than I could ever hope to be. Because of these things, I have trouble enjoying the moment that I am in because I am never good enough to please myself. And, because I am not good enough to please myself, then how could I ever please the God who created me?
Sometimes I want the world to simply slow down so I can gather my thoughts and lay them out in a logical order and find some sort of pattern or just see God's hand at work. I just need time. But I don't have it. Or, maybe I do have it, but I waste it on meaningless pursuits. But some of these pursuits bring me happiness, and that's something that I am not very willing to give up these days. I am scared of walking towards that cliff again, not knowing whether there will be Someone to catch me when I walk off of it. I don't know if I have the strength to go through that darkness again, but I see it lurking on the sidelines everyday, just waiting for me to stumble one more time.
And then I feel selfish for feeling as I do. For hurting as I do. For wanting Someone to notice and somehow reach out a hand to stop me from falling or to just pour love into my life that can change how I think. I want to open my heart wide for God's grace to flow in, but then it must again flow out and be reflected in my life but I don't have the strength to do that. This is all that I am and I am weak. I am imperfect. And that is all that I have to offer a broken world that needs so much more than I have to give.

finding my way back...

Sometimes life is overwhelming. I know that there things that I can smile about, but I just don't have the energy. I feel bad that I can't smile when I know I should and it makes me feel ungrateful. God has given me so much and yet I can't find happiness every moment. Sometimes it is just too much work and really all I want to do is sleep without having to worry about waking up and started the cycle of homework, class, meal, class, homework, etc again. I just want a moment of peace. Honest peace. Peace that overwhelms and floods my soul with a rest from the chaos that is occuring every second, every day. I feel like I am grasping for God, trying to find the way back to the joy from yesterday, but I just can't make it. I don't have the strength and I feel like God is letting me lie on the floor for a while, just watching me without picking me up. Maybe when I am on my face, I can actually pray for once, though...I just need life to slow down so I can pick up the pieces, examine them, and start putting them back together so I can be whole again.

hello, blogging world?

I must admit that I have only had a blog once in my life and only a few people read that one. I don't suppose that many more will read this, but that is just fine with me. However, this is my voice and this is my message. It is my thoughts on life, love, llamas, and other things that start with 'l'. I don't know how often I will update this, but it is mainly for me so that, even though no one reads my thoughts or cares if they do read them, at least it had a placating effect on my life, kind of like a placebo. Anyways...

For His glory alone,
Elisa