Time seems to have really gotten away from me in the past month. I feel as though I have been running in overdrive ever since the beginning of July and everything is speeding towards September. The only question that I really have is: am I ready?
So, let me re-cap the last month or so in a few paragraphs that will probably be disorganized and rambling.
I have learned a lot about myself this summer but, more importantly, I have learned about God a lot this summer. He has proved his faithfulness to me in countless ways, but I have not always been paying attention. Lately I have been incredibly distracted with moving back to Edmonton and it's been hard to focus on enjoying the moments that God has given to me today. I feel in my heart and soul a deep yearning to be quenched with knowledge of God and to revel in the promises that he has given me, but I am afraid to stop running away. I am struggling with being obedient, and it is causing my soul to ache with thirst and making my mind unguarded because of weariness.
I am learning that God is always faithful to me, regardless of my feelings. I am learning that my faith is not the central, defining factor to who I am. Instead, the object of my faith (Jesus Christ) is central to my life. My ability to have faith is not going to win me any prizes or get me to heaven. Rather, it is Christ's redemptive work on the cross that allows me access to heaven and that is granted to me by God's grace. The prayer of the father from Mark 9 has stuck with me in the past weeks. "I believe; help my unbelief." He believed that Jesus could heal his son, but he still had doubts. I am trying to understand that Jesus wants to remove my doubts. So often I have viewed him as a far-off God who does not care about my struggles, but this is not true. He does want me to succeed.
In the last two weeks, sadness and loneliness have become the two ever-present emotions that shadow every day. This place is familiar to me, because it defined most of grades 8 through 11. But I am tired of gazing at the same scenery and only seeing grey. In grade 11 or 12, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and creating my dream future. In the middle of this daydream, God cleared it away and replaced it with what he as for me. All I could see was sunlight pouring into a room and I could hear children laughing. Last week, I was really struggling with the inevitable return to Edmonton and the bleakness that I feel whenever I consider the next few years of my life. God reminded me of that dream he gave me and of the words he has been speaking over and over this summer: "I have more for you than this."
I realize that these thoughts are not very coherent, but I am tired and needed to just get things off of my chest/mind. My biggest prayer lately has been for freedom. Freedom, peace, and unshakeable joy. I feel as though I am holding onto God with only a few fingers from one hand and those are slipping too.
The last month is definitely taking its toll. I am rather tired of life.
-Elisa.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Erm...Poetry?
Time is my swift ship,
bearing me away from battle-weary shores
and setting me adrift in storm-ridden waters
My mast has broken
and my sails are torn
I am directionless in this ocean
Yet even as the cabin floods
from the tempest's tossing,
I see the promise written in the sky
All will be still again
bearing me away from battle-weary shores
and setting me adrift in storm-ridden waters
My mast has broken
and my sails are torn
I am directionless in this ocean
Yet even as the cabin floods
from the tempest's tossing,
I see the promise written in the sky
All will be still again
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Wants...
I wrote this over two years ago, and I just found it again the other day in my Facebook notes.
I want to be a princess. Loved, cherished, and precious to one prince.
I want to be strong enough for friends to lean on me and wise enough to know what to say when they need advice.
I want to become a woman of God and not doubt my intentions. I want to trust in something safe and secure, and not break every time someone hurts me.
I want to be unselfish and not wish for someone to let me just cry and be upset. I want someone to listen instead of always being the one who is listening.
I want to not complain.
I want God to make good on the promise to comfort me and to give me the desires of my heart.
I want my time to be now, and I wish I knew what that time was. I want to start a revolution that can't be stopped. I want to be wholly devoted to God and run with Him, completely free. I want to see His majesty on its grandest scale and fall down in awe of Him.
I want to meet my Grandma Reid and see if I am really like her, like people say I am.
I want to know how deja vu works and how God is so incredible.
I want to be wise and intellectual at the same time.
I want to face the future with my arms open wide and fall into my future, completely ready.
I want to not ache when I see beauty and not be homesick for Heaven just about everyday. I want to be Home. I want to be whole. I want to be able to let go of past hurts and be able to forgive without curling up into my little ball of self-indulgent anger and hurt first. I want to not be so lonely all the time and be able to find my peace in God. I want to cling to His promises without doubting them and I want to take back the hurtful things that I've said. I want to not regret and I want to be able to trust someone with my heart.
I want life to be as simplistic as the joy I find in the sunrise. I want to be a simple girl who finds joy in common things. I want to live an uncommon, rare life.
I want someone to find me precious.
I want to understand.
I want to be extraordinary, excellent, passionate, caring, holy, Christ-like. I want to be able to pray and move mountains.
I want to love Jesus without limits and pour His love over my world.
"There is no condition of the human heart that Jesus Christ can't heal..." --Linda Nichols, At the Scent of Water
I want to be a princess. Loved, cherished, and precious to one prince.
I want to be strong enough for friends to lean on me and wise enough to know what to say when they need advice.
I want to become a woman of God and not doubt my intentions. I want to trust in something safe and secure, and not break every time someone hurts me.
I want to be unselfish and not wish for someone to let me just cry and be upset. I want someone to listen instead of always being the one who is listening.
I want to not complain.
I want God to make good on the promise to comfort me and to give me the desires of my heart.
I want my time to be now, and I wish I knew what that time was. I want to start a revolution that can't be stopped. I want to be wholly devoted to God and run with Him, completely free. I want to see His majesty on its grandest scale and fall down in awe of Him.
I want to meet my Grandma Reid and see if I am really like her, like people say I am.
I want to know how deja vu works and how God is so incredible.
I want to be wise and intellectual at the same time.
I want to face the future with my arms open wide and fall into my future, completely ready.
I want to not ache when I see beauty and not be homesick for Heaven just about everyday. I want to be Home. I want to be whole. I want to be able to let go of past hurts and be able to forgive without curling up into my little ball of self-indulgent anger and hurt first. I want to not be so lonely all the time and be able to find my peace in God. I want to cling to His promises without doubting them and I want to take back the hurtful things that I've said. I want to not regret and I want to be able to trust someone with my heart.
I want life to be as simplistic as the joy I find in the sunrise. I want to be a simple girl who finds joy in common things. I want to live an uncommon, rare life.
I want someone to find me precious.
I want to understand.
I want to be extraordinary, excellent, passionate, caring, holy, Christ-like. I want to be able to pray and move mountains.
I want to love Jesus without limits and pour His love over my world.
"There is no condition of the human heart that Jesus Christ can't heal..." --Linda Nichols, At the Scent of Water
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tumbling Thoughts
Well, I haven't posted anything for a little while. I find myself rather exhausted after work and I don't want to do anything except read a book and then go to bed. The topic/theme that has been tossing around my head for the past week is forgiveness.
How do I forgive someone when I really don't want to? What does true forgiveness look like and how would it play out in my life? I have discovered that I cannot forgive people on my own because I have neither the capacity nor the grace to do so. But Jesus has an abundance of grace, and I am asking Him to show me how to forgive and to do it through me and for me. I am still discovering what this is going to look like in my life.
God has also been asking me to follow Him willingly, without grumbling, wherever He wants me to go. I have been fretting about where I am to go after I am done school in April and dreaming of working somewhere exciting and new, where I can forget life and become anonymous. But I sense God asking me to slow down and just follow Him one step at a time. And that step in September will lead me back to Edmonton and I need to go back obediently, not begrudging the fact that He is placing me back there for a second year. He knows where He is taking me and I need to follow faithfully. Somehow.
Finally, a song that has been stuck in my head for the past three days is "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. I am not sure if I have shared it before, but it's still an amazing song. Go listen to it!
"Before the Morning"--Josh Wilson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qG1ThtgguE
"Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning"
-Elisa.
How do I forgive someone when I really don't want to? What does true forgiveness look like and how would it play out in my life? I have discovered that I cannot forgive people on my own because I have neither the capacity nor the grace to do so. But Jesus has an abundance of grace, and I am asking Him to show me how to forgive and to do it through me and for me. I am still discovering what this is going to look like in my life.
God has also been asking me to follow Him willingly, without grumbling, wherever He wants me to go. I have been fretting about where I am to go after I am done school in April and dreaming of working somewhere exciting and new, where I can forget life and become anonymous. But I sense God asking me to slow down and just follow Him one step at a time. And that step in September will lead me back to Edmonton and I need to go back obediently, not begrudging the fact that He is placing me back there for a second year. He knows where He is taking me and I need to follow faithfully. Somehow.
Finally, a song that has been stuck in my head for the past three days is "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. I am not sure if I have shared it before, but it's still an amazing song. Go listen to it!
"Before the Morning"--Josh Wilson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qG1ThtgguE
"Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning"
-Elisa.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Literally the "Best Wedding EVER!"
A recurring theme in my journey with God lately has been His love for me as His bride. I have a lot of friends getting married in the next year or so (about 28 couples are now engaged!) and I have found myself becoming jealous that they are all planning their dream weddings and counting down the days to moment when they walk down the aisle and join their life with the man of their dreams. I am really far from that point of my life, but God's been showing me that I am always a bride. I am a bride today, and I have the biggest, best, most extravagant wedding to look forward to ever! I have the best wedding dress to wear ever! I can have that breathless anticipation today of the moment when I will see my groom face-to-face finally and He walks me down the aisle of heaven and places me before His Father. Someday Jesus is going to return and He is going to place on me His righteousness and holiness. And I will be able to stand before God and become one with Jesus, because I am hidden in Him already. It's so amazing because He extends this crazy, head-over-heels love to everyone. He pursues the ones He loves and He will not rest until His arms around us and we are no longer fighting to leave the safety of His embrace.
Maybe it's easier for girls to anticipate this sort of love than it is for guys, but I think it is something that more guys need to embrace. Men do not always have to be the conquerors, the chasers, the fixers. Jesus wants men, too, in all their manliness and need for conquest, adventure, usefulness, and everything else.
A song that moves me to tears lately is "More Than Ashes" by Tim Reimherr. He sings about this sort of love that Jesus has for us and who we are to Jesus. We are His rose, His lily, the one who can capture His heart with one glance from our eyes. Go take a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHt7wdPGOTc
"I’m more than what these ashes say
They will fade away when He comes for me
By grace, through faith in Christ I’m saved
I am not the same when He looks at me
I am the rose, the joy for which You died
And this I know, I move You with delight
And when my heart condemns on every side
I take refuge in the truth: I am the rose to You
My life is more than meets the eye
I’m hidden now in Christ and I’m one with Him
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me
I am the rose, I am the lily
I am Yours, I’m Your beauty
There’s gonna be a wedding,
It’s the reason that I’m living, to marry the Lamb
I’m more than what these ashes say
‘Cause they will fade away when He comes for me
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me"
-Elisa.
Maybe it's easier for girls to anticipate this sort of love than it is for guys, but I think it is something that more guys need to embrace. Men do not always have to be the conquerors, the chasers, the fixers. Jesus wants men, too, in all their manliness and need for conquest, adventure, usefulness, and everything else.
A song that moves me to tears lately is "More Than Ashes" by Tim Reimherr. He sings about this sort of love that Jesus has for us and who we are to Jesus. We are His rose, His lily, the one who can capture His heart with one glance from our eyes. Go take a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHt7wdPGOTc
"I’m more than what these ashes say
They will fade away when He comes for me
By grace, through faith in Christ I’m saved
I am not the same when He looks at me
I am the rose, the joy for which You died
And this I know, I move You with delight
And when my heart condemns on every side
I take refuge in the truth: I am the rose to You
My life is more than meets the eye
I’m hidden now in Christ and I’m one with Him
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me
I am the rose, I am the lily
I am Yours, I’m Your beauty
There’s gonna be a wedding,
It’s the reason that I’m living, to marry the Lamb
I’m more than what these ashes say
‘Cause they will fade away when He comes for me
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me"
-Elisa.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Changing the World
When I was younger, I dreamt of being a famous actress and using my "star power" to change the world for the better. (Riiiight, like that's going to happen.) While I do not want to be an actress or any form of celebrity anymore, I still often think about "changing the world." What does that really mean, though?
Today while I was mowing my aunt's lawn, I realized that every single person changes the world simply by being born. (Oh so profound! Haha.) But, really, the fact that God spoke me into existence and ordained all of my days changes the world and eternity. But this isn't anything new to God, because He is the One who orchestrated everything since time immemorial.
So, now the question isn't "Will I change the world?" but "How greatly can I change the world with the time I am given and how?" Do I want to be remembered as someone who lived solely for myself? Or do I want to be remembered as someone who loved Jesus without limits and, therefore, loved everyone around me in a limitless way? I am instructed in God's Word that I am to love Jesus, and love others. I believe that love can change the world.
Here's one of my absolute favorite passages of Scripture.
1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13
And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gonge or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. And now these three reamin: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
That passage sends tingles through my spine and fills my heart with hope! It also makes me realize just how horribe I am at loving people. How often have I held a grudge or put my needs before those of someone else who is hurting more than I am? How often have I spoken something out of self-righteousness, instead of selfless love? If I loved in the way this passage describes love, then I would undoubtedly change the world. Love like this can destroy fear, ease hurt, and conquer poverty. It changes people. It transforms them.
But I think that I can only really love someone in this way if I am being continually broken by God. I have to realize that I cannot love people like this on my own. The only way that I could ever love someone without limits is if I were acting as a conduit of Jesus' love. I am human and totally messed up, but Jesus is perfect and He wants to use me to change the world and love His beloved. It amazes me that He would want to use a wretch like me to carry out His mission and purpose. But really, that's the only reason that I am here. My purpose is not to change the world for myself so that I get a nice eulogy, epitaph, and obituary. Who cares? My purpose is to love the lost and show them the limitless love of Jesus. Love that holds no record of wrongs, puts others first, and is endlessly patient.
Oi, I am so far from perfection...but praise God for His grace!!! So, I am going to leave you something that a friend of mine prayed at a girls' small group meeting that I went to the night before I moved home from Edmonton.
"And may God never ever let anyone make these [people] believe that they cannot change the world."
-Elisa.
Today while I was mowing my aunt's lawn, I realized that every single person changes the world simply by being born. (Oh so profound! Haha.) But, really, the fact that God spoke me into existence and ordained all of my days changes the world and eternity. But this isn't anything new to God, because He is the One who orchestrated everything since time immemorial.
So, now the question isn't "Will I change the world?" but "How greatly can I change the world with the time I am given and how?" Do I want to be remembered as someone who lived solely for myself? Or do I want to be remembered as someone who loved Jesus without limits and, therefore, loved everyone around me in a limitless way? I am instructed in God's Word that I am to love Jesus, and love others. I believe that love can change the world.
Here's one of my absolute favorite passages of Scripture.
1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13
And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gonge or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. And now these three reamin: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
That passage sends tingles through my spine and fills my heart with hope! It also makes me realize just how horribe I am at loving people. How often have I held a grudge or put my needs before those of someone else who is hurting more than I am? How often have I spoken something out of self-righteousness, instead of selfless love? If I loved in the way this passage describes love, then I would undoubtedly change the world. Love like this can destroy fear, ease hurt, and conquer poverty. It changes people. It transforms them.
But I think that I can only really love someone in this way if I am being continually broken by God. I have to realize that I cannot love people like this on my own. The only way that I could ever love someone without limits is if I were acting as a conduit of Jesus' love. I am human and totally messed up, but Jesus is perfect and He wants to use me to change the world and love His beloved. It amazes me that He would want to use a wretch like me to carry out His mission and purpose. But really, that's the only reason that I am here. My purpose is not to change the world for myself so that I get a nice eulogy, epitaph, and obituary. Who cares? My purpose is to love the lost and show them the limitless love of Jesus. Love that holds no record of wrongs, puts others first, and is endlessly patient.
Oi, I am so far from perfection...but praise God for His grace!!! So, I am going to leave you something that a friend of mine prayed at a girls' small group meeting that I went to the night before I moved home from Edmonton.
"And may God never ever let anyone make these [people] believe that they cannot change the world."
-Elisa.
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