Here

Hearts emptied, bared before
the throne of Heaven
Shaking in fear and shame
for my wickedness and nakedness


In this moment, I am Adam.
I am Eve.


I was never perfect, though made
in God's image,
but their sin is my own
As I lay before my LORD God,
at His feet where I recognize fully
my unworthiness,


I am transformed


The barrenness is negated
and the sins committed every minute
are wiped away
as He reaches out His hands
There is silence here


I rest solely on His grace,
His compassion, mercy, and love
As my soul rests from screaming,
from railing against itself,
I find relief and comfort


Every emotion is heightened
yet it is not overwhelming,
rather it is relaxing
For here, and only here,


I am safe

I wrote this on August 31, 2008 and felt like sharing it again.

-Elisa.

hands and feet.

Often I wonder how I could possibly change the world when I am such a small person with so many fears. I hear the words in my heart "change the world" but I do not know what the first step in that mission would be.

This year seems like such a waste right now because I am not doing anything. I find myself wondering whether or not I should even be in this program and taking these classes because I cannot see any purpose to it right now. Of course there is the purpose of finding a job after I graduate in April, but there has to be a larger reason for this time of training. I am frustrated because I want to be out on adventures and conquering the world for Christ, instead of wading through pages of legal cases about ruptured spleens and soft tissue damage. I love what I am learning but I want practical, hands-on application for it. I want to be out saving the world, not sitting behind a desk.

I find myself longingly studying applications for internships with International Justice Missions and the A21 Campaign instead of wanting to work on homework. I don't even know if God has an internship overseas in His plans for me, but I hope and pray that He does. I read stories of girls being trafficked for prostitution and my heart breaks and the only thing that I can think is "Take me there, God. Just take me there so I can hold them and help them and heal them somehow! Let me be Jesus to them."

Following quickly on the heels of those prayers, though, are the ever-present thoughts that I am not strong enough to go overseas, I am not knowledgeable enough of international legal processes, I am not called to go and my pride is just telling me to go. The list is a long one and it makes me doubt this passion in my heart for justice to be done and for these girls to be freed to know what love is. Who am I to go on a mission such as this? But despite all my fears, I want to go. I want to be Jesus' hands and feet in whatever capacity He would have for me.

Take me there, Jesus.

-Elisa.

Daylight, Save Me.

I am having trouble analyzing what I am feeling lately so I have avoided writing because I don't want to ramble and leave everyone else confused, as well. However, I find myself at a point right now where I cannot figure out what is going on by myself.

I am confused, hurt, desperate.
I am lost and wishing someone would stop by the roadside and be the good Samaritan.
I am stuck at this dead end in my head, staring at the crossroads and not knowing which way would be the best to venture down.
I am struggling to have faith.
I am struggling with truly knowing that God is good.
I am having trouble being honest with myself.
I am having trouble being honest with others.
I am struggling with trusting myself and knowing whether or not I should trust myself.
If I can't trust myself, I am not sure how I can trust others.
I am waiting for someone to see the cracking veneer and pick up the pieces for me.
I know that no one will do that.
I have an intense longing to be more than I am right now, but I am can't comprehend that I have the freedom to be more in this instant.
Every day is an intense struggle just to keep going, hoping that someday it will be better.
I just want to let go.

"Daylight" by Brave Saint Saturn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_u7UqY8K88

"Did you hear the news today?
I'm not coming home, no
And I wished it all away
I felt so alone
and the darkness crept its way
like stars we know will die too soon
There is never any sunrise here in the shadows of eclipsing moons
Crawling on a tightrope,
the bravest thing I have is hope

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, tonight

Halogen, the lights will flicker
Incadescent burning lies
and the silence stands for nothing
Desperate I search the skies, aching for a spark,
trembling in pitchest dark

Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?
We have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria.

U.S.S. Gloria: Mission Control, this is the U.S.S. Gloria, do you read me?
Mayday, we have lost primary guidance functions.

News Reporter: The crew is now out of radio contact. Presently there is no way for us to know whether they are alive or dead. Our hopes and prayers go out with you all.

Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?

U.S.S. Gloria: Houston, this is the U.S.S. Gloria.
Good to hear your voice. We are coming out of the eclipse now. I see the sunlight. It's beautiful, the sunlight is beautiful.

Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness, You held me
Still held me
When desperate nights I cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone
Your words are life
cut marrow through the darkness, to the bone
A heart of flesh You gave me
Only You can save me

Savior
Daylight
I am coming home

Home! Home! Home! Home."

-Elisa.

Beloved

Jesus has been reminding me lately that I am His beloved, and that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Light. I have been driven to my knees so often in the past few days just so I can inhale the next breath and keep walking forward. I have fallen on my face in anguish more often than I would like to admit. I have been broken and totally vulnerable in front of more people than I would like to count. I am raw and in a million pieces. But God brings peace to my heart and reminds me of His love, grace, and that this world is not my home. He reminds me that He has greater plans for me than these moments and months of pain. When I cry out to Him and ask Him how much longer this will last, He simply says, "Possibly every night for the next year. But do you trust Me? Do you trust Me, Elisa?" Oh me of little faith.

I have been praying in the last few days that Jesus would call me by name. That He would He would simply say, "Elisa." How do I describe the yearning that I have for the Lover of my soul to call me by name in the same way that He called to Mary Magdalene in the garden after He rose from the grave? How do I describe the longing for that intimate acknowledgment that I am His and all He must do is say my name for me to recognize Him for who He is? I want to breathe His name and feel His peace and love flood my soul with light. I want to love Him, and I want to love Him well. I want to take my over-abundance of love that others have rejected and pour it onto His feet, like a broken alabastar jar of perfume that Mary Magdalene washed His feet with. I want to Him to flood my being and be my centre of gravity that I revolve around. I want Jesus to be my everything, my all, my reason for being. I am so scared, as well, because I know that I will fail my Jesus, my Saviour. But He took care of those failings already and so I want to fling myself onto His grace, knowing that He wants to remove my shortcomings and sins. I want to be free to dance with my Jesus and serenade Him with love songs. I want to regain the passion that I have lost or misplaced.

This weekend was such a mixture of emotions and thoughts. My heart was overflowing with joy for Heather as she walked down the aisle to her Chad. The very next moment, my heart was breaking again for the dreams that I have lost this summer. I laughed so hard this weekend that my abs still hurt; I cried so much that I have no tears left to shed. There was the beginning of a new life together for Chad and Heather and the ending of some dreams and hopes that I held tightly in my fists. And God ordained it all. He planned every step of these intertwining paths, knowing exactly the emotions, thoughts, and prayers that would go into every part of this weekend. He perfectly juxtaposed everything and provided me with my Prairie friends to pick me up when I fell. He filled me with the love that I had been missing so desperately and showed me again what a community is.

Maybe God allowed me to fall in love with someone on earth to show me how much greater it is to fall in love with Jesus. Once upon a time when I was sixteen, I talked with a friend about how I needed to let go of certain dreams that I held onto much too tightly. God was trying to pry back my stubborn fingers and I refused to let go, but He was also bringing me to a moment of surrender. My friend told me, "You can't give up all of your dreams because then you'll be left with nothing." My response was, "How can I be left with nothing when I am letting go of my dreams and following God's plans?" I am still learning this lesson and I am certain that I will be for many more years. I do not surrender my dreams easily, even when God asks me to let go. The last dream that I refused to let surrender, He wrenched from my grasp in such a way that it shook my entire world. God truly left me with nothing except Himself, and He has been bringing everything back to Him this summer. When God shook my world, I was physically dizzy for about a week because I had removed God from being my centre of gravity and then God had removed my replacement centre of gravity. And, through a friend, God told me that He is a jealous God and He will not tolerate being second. So I struggle to put Him first. I fail daily. But "therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ." (Romans 8:1) Hallelujah.

So Jesus and I will journey onward into the pain, the healing, and the light.

"Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP9pftLiVRA

Love of my life,
look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life,
lust and the lies,
the past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover, I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life,
look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah now

You're my beloved
Lover, I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride?
You will drink of my lips
And taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover, I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery


-Elisa.

Anberlin Makes Everything Better

"(The Symphony of) Blasé" by Anberlin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-uHZhlbxaM

"Are there no shadows where you are?
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside (You're pushing me aside)

Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
something isn't right
something isn't right

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends

Are you so naive to right and wrong
How could you watch innocence forgone
Does what we've done ever really belong?
It wasted me away (I feel so wasted away)

God if you can hear me out alright
Please take these feelings for her inside
My chest hurts when I breathe tonight
It's wasting me away (You're wasting me away)
You're wasting me away

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
something isn't right
something isn't right

This is our last (This is our last)

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends"

This song has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I've been thinking a lot about why relationships end, but I don't have any real answers. God must have a purpose, but I cannot see what it is right now. So I wait.

As It Stands Now

Time seems to have really gotten away from me in the past month. I feel as though I have been running in overdrive ever since the beginning of July and everything is speeding towards September. The only question that I really have is: am I ready?

So, let me re-cap the last month or so in a few paragraphs that will probably be disorganized and rambling.

I have learned a lot about myself this summer but, more importantly, I have learned about God a lot this summer. He has proved his faithfulness to me in countless ways, but I have not always been paying attention. Lately I have been incredibly distracted with moving back to Edmonton and it's been hard to focus on enjoying the moments that God has given to me today. I feel in my heart and soul a deep yearning to be quenched with knowledge of God and to revel in the promises that he has given me, but I am afraid to stop running away. I am struggling with being obedient, and it is causing my soul to ache with thirst and making my mind unguarded because of weariness.

I am learning that God is always faithful to me, regardless of my feelings. I am learning that my faith is not the central, defining factor to who I am. Instead, the object of my faith (Jesus Christ) is central to my life. My ability to have faith is not going to win me any prizes or get me to heaven. Rather, it is Christ's redemptive work on the cross that allows me access to heaven and that is granted to me by God's grace. The prayer of the father from Mark 9 has stuck with me in the past weeks. "I believe; help my unbelief." He believed that Jesus could heal his son, but he still had doubts. I am trying to understand that Jesus wants to remove my doubts. So often I have viewed him as a far-off God who does not care about my struggles, but this is not true. He does want me to succeed.

In the last two weeks, sadness and loneliness have become the two ever-present emotions that shadow every day. This place is familiar to me, because it defined most of grades 8 through 11. But I am tired of gazing at the same scenery and only seeing grey. In grade 11 or 12, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and creating my dream future. In the middle of this daydream, God cleared it away and replaced it with what he as for me. All I could see was sunlight pouring into a room and I could hear children laughing. Last week, I was really struggling with the inevitable return to Edmonton and the bleakness that I feel whenever I consider the next few years of my life. God reminded me of that dream he gave me and of the words he has been speaking over and over this summer: "I have more for you than this."

I realize that these thoughts are not very coherent, but I am tired and needed to just get things off of my chest/mind. My biggest prayer lately has been for freedom. Freedom, peace, and unshakeable joy. I feel as though I am holding onto God with only a few fingers from one hand and those are slipping too.

The last month is definitely taking its toll. I am rather tired of life.

-Elisa.

Erm...Poetry?

Time is my swift ship,
bearing me away from battle-weary shores
and setting me adrift in storm-ridden waters
My mast has broken
and my sails are torn
I am directionless in this ocean
Yet even as the cabin floods
from the tempest's tossing,
I see the promise written in the sky
All will be still again