Brokenness

I wrote this a couple of years ago about myself. It's my testimony in a relative nutshell.

Her brokenness...there was nothing beautiful about it, no ray of sunshine could make it through the darkness to hit the shattered glass and cause a glimmer of hope. There was just...nothing there. At least, that's what she wished were there. Sometimes she could feel nothing and that brought a modicum of...a sort of peace...into her life. But it never lasted. There was always something to pull her back down into darkness again. A glance misinterpreted, a whisper misconstrued...that was all it took to push her under.

Other days she was more afraid of feeling nothing than she was of feeling the horrendous pain that aloneness brought. There was only one way, only one way...only one way. And it was such a shameful way...she shouldn't even be thinking of it...because it was just so...wrong. Everything about it was distasteful. But maybe it would make someone realize how wrong her life was, how hard she was trying to keep going, struggling to find light. Maybe they would finally pay attention and just HELP her. Just...help her.

Every time she hurt herself she fell farther into the pit, farther from beauty, farther from love, farther from everything. There was nothing to hold her back anymore, except the shame...and that also helped to push, more than it pulled her away from hurting herself. And yet no one paid any attention, unless it was to mock her. Mercilessly. Call attention to her problem and then. Pick her apart. Into little little pieces. Tiny. And then step on her and push her back where she belonged. Except she didn't belong there. She never did, but she didn't no any place else she was welcome. So she clung to the darkness, hiding from the light and anyone who might have saved her, if they had cared enough...or if she hadn't been so ashamed to tell them.

Then one day...she found them. More like herself. People she could innately trust and be comfortable with because they were like her. They knew her pain. What she was going through. And it felt nice to be understood...no matter how dangerous it was. She liked it. For once there was no shame. There was no aloneness. She was...whole? Or a close replica of it...completely distorted by smoke and mirrors, of course. They helped her with her pain. Helped take it away. But...it couldn't last...because it was even more wrong than before. So much much more wrong. And the light was slowly coming in, to expose the darkness for what it was...and it scared her. She tried to run and fight it off, but there is no fighting the Light when it wants you. And it wanted her...badly. She could her it whispering, calling, pleading for her to return. To let the shattered glass shine more beautifully than ever before. Should she? She knew she should. Could she? She could. She knew that much. But...would she? No...it was too scary.

You must, it told her. It was scary...the darkness was grey now and getting lighter. There was nowhere to hide anymore. But the shame was still there...and she couldn't get away from it but she couldn't hide it, either. The grey failed her like the darkness never had. But slowly, slowly, she realized how wrong, how twisted her thinking had become. The light...it hurt...but it was good to hurt again...in a healthy way. To face the darkness and tell it off. To tell it to leave her be. It felt healthy...clean...safe...to embrace the light. But sometimes she still saw the darkness lurking in the corners, reaching, marring the cleanliness with its tendrils. But it was a matter of turning her back on the darkness and running farther into the light.

But what about the others? What about the ones that had tried to help? She didn't know...she never really found out...she found that whenever she returned to the edge of the darkness to call for them, she felt the dark taking her again and she had to leave them there. And did her shattered glass shine brighter? She hopes it does...she thinks it does. It's something about the eyes.

searching

Lately I have found myself shutting out everyone from my life, including my best friends. There is something telling me that if I let anyone in, they will take that trust and break it by leaving me. I have been left a lot in my life, especially by myself. There's a song by BarlowGirl called "Surrender" that has a line in it that says "my dreams are me". It's very true about me. For a very long time, I have lived my life as a life built on dreams. But they aren't sufficient, because so often they make me dissatisfied with what God has provided me with here and now. And now, I have these dreams that I don't know where they will take me. In the now, I am working at an assisted living retirement home and it's hard to get up and go to work every day but I have to because it is how I am going to get to my dreams. But if I get my dreams and lose God on the way, what's the point of reaching my dreams? I don't know what to pray for anymore, either. I feel selfish when I pray for wisdom, peace, or strength to face today because I feel as though I should already possess those things, as someone who has been to Bible school for a year and is "educated" in the Bible. My faith is so weak and my actions are so small. How can I reach a lost world when I can't even help myself? How can I be a voice crying in the wilderness, when the only wilderness that I see is the one that is inside my own heart?

I am lonely.

weariness and incapabilities

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to the safe cocoon of elementary school, especially grade 2 and 3. There was nothing to be afraid of except the dark and the biggest event in my life occurred when the Scholastic Book Club sent out its latest issue and I could finally order the new Ramona book that I had wanted for ages. Life was good, life was simple. Life revolved around pretend games, hide-and-seek, and reading books in the tree in my front yard, high up in the branches where nothing could hurt me. My best friends were the Bernstein Bears, Emily of New Moon, and the members of the Babysitters Club. Life was full of golden light, even during the winter, because then we could go skating on the sloughs and holding 'carnivals' for our pretend figure-skating lessons. Nothing could hurt me.
But now I find myself being stretched and pulled everyday and having to make decisions everyday that will somehow affect me down the road, even though I don't know what the consequences may be before I make my choice. I find myself searching for who I am among what others think I am and the truths of God's word vs. the images/nuances of society. I find myself looking to be more eloquent than I am, more knowledgeable than I could ever hope to be. Because of these things, I have trouble enjoying the moment that I am in because I am never good enough to please myself. And, because I am not good enough to please myself, then how could I ever please the God who created me?
Sometimes I want the world to simply slow down so I can gather my thoughts and lay them out in a logical order and find some sort of pattern or just see God's hand at work. I just need time. But I don't have it. Or, maybe I do have it, but I waste it on meaningless pursuits. But some of these pursuits bring me happiness, and that's something that I am not very willing to give up these days. I am scared of walking towards that cliff again, not knowing whether there will be Someone to catch me when I walk off of it. I don't know if I have the strength to go through that darkness again, but I see it lurking on the sidelines everyday, just waiting for me to stumble one more time.
And then I feel selfish for feeling as I do. For hurting as I do. For wanting Someone to notice and somehow reach out a hand to stop me from falling or to just pour love into my life that can change how I think. I want to open my heart wide for God's grace to flow in, but then it must again flow out and be reflected in my life but I don't have the strength to do that. This is all that I am and I am weak. I am imperfect. And that is all that I have to offer a broken world that needs so much more than I have to give.

finding my way back...

Sometimes life is overwhelming. I know that there things that I can smile about, but I just don't have the energy. I feel bad that I can't smile when I know I should and it makes me feel ungrateful. God has given me so much and yet I can't find happiness every moment. Sometimes it is just too much work and really all I want to do is sleep without having to worry about waking up and started the cycle of homework, class, meal, class, homework, etc again. I just want a moment of peace. Honest peace. Peace that overwhelms and floods my soul with a rest from the chaos that is occuring every second, every day. I feel like I am grasping for God, trying to find the way back to the joy from yesterday, but I just can't make it. I don't have the strength and I feel like God is letting me lie on the floor for a while, just watching me without picking me up. Maybe when I am on my face, I can actually pray for once, though...I just need life to slow down so I can pick up the pieces, examine them, and start putting them back together so I can be whole again.

hello, blogging world?

I must admit that I have only had a blog once in my life and only a few people read that one. I don't suppose that many more will read this, but that is just fine with me. However, this is my voice and this is my message. It is my thoughts on life, love, llamas, and other things that start with 'l'. I don't know how often I will update this, but it is mainly for me so that, even though no one reads my thoughts or cares if they do read them, at least it had a placating effect on my life, kind of like a placebo. Anyways...

For His glory alone,
Elisa