Sometimes I really struggle with being gentle. Gentle with myself, gentle with others, gentle with the world. I nitpick at my scars and my sharp edges, trying to shove them out of sight so I can look somewhat whole. I frown at the ragged seams I see in others' lives and judge their messiness while trying to ignore my own chaos. I retreat from the world and the explosions, wars, tears, deaths, and disasters that filter across my television screen, computer screen, phone screen. I retreat into myself and stare again at the four walls of my chaos and desperately try to paint over the grooves that time has worn into my soul.
But sometimes someone reminds me that to live as I desire to live - to have love, peace, and joy become my center, my circumference - I must learn again to be gentle in the face of the chaos. I must learn again to be kind to the scars I see in myself and mirrored in others. While I am fighting my own demons and my own disasters, everyone else around me is facing their own Goliaths and trying to be David.
I want to be a nurturer. To become the warm embrace of the sun in the dreary landscape of a friend's depression. To become the strong shoulder to lean on for the downtrodden. To become like the laughter of a child that utterly refreshes the soul of those who hear it.
I am not always gentle. I do not always nurture. I do not always see the big picture of love. I do not always understand the impact of small acts of love over time and think the grandest overture has more of an impact. But we cherish the small things and tweet the large ones. I want to become a cherisher and the cherished.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Grieving.
I went for a drive after Bible study tonight just so I could scream and cry. I was screaming at God because He's been pushing so many buttons lately and I don't know what He's been trying to get at. And then mid-scream I realized that He's been trying to tell me that I need to learn how to grieve again and to not be afraid of grief or what people think of my grief. Because the second safest place in my world - my church at home - has seemingly fallen apart and I have pushed my grief away without acknowledging it or letting it be felt and processed and healed. And I realized that He's trying to show me that grief is okay and it isn't to be feared. It hurts, but it heals. I hate that we have situations and circumstances that cause grief to occur, but grief has healed me before and I need to let it heal me again. I fight against grief because it reminds me of a time when grief was my identity and I was its victim. I fight against grief because of what people will say; that they will point out that time when grief overwhelmed me and I huddled under it for longer than I needed to because it seemed safer. I fear that people will judge me as being weak for needing to grieve...but I feel so deeply and I love so fiercely that I can't not grieve when my world is shaken and what was once safe now feels like it's teetering on a precipice.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
A Passion for Justice
I am silenced by fear and that frightens me. So, God, use these trembling hands to write something of worth in a world full of so many words that few actually resonate in our souls.
When I attended Prairie from 2008-2009, Jamie McIntosh from International Justice Missions Canada (IJM). He spoke about IJM's work in human trafficking and sex trafficking and shared a video about their work. I don't remember exactly what he said or what the video showed, but I remember being absolutely broken about what he shared. I could hardly pray with our worship team afterwards because my heart was just reeling from what I had heard about sex trafficking. I remember feeling that this was something that I wanted to dedicate my life to. But I don't trust my emotions and I didn't know what I could possibly do because who am I to be able to work in such an area? I have no experience, no skills, and certainly no idea of what I would be getting into. So I let the idea sit idle in the back of my mind and went on with life at Bible school (i.e., lots of Frisbee and late nights).
Fast forward to the 2010-2011 school year. New city, different school, a heart weighed down with emotional wreckage. And the same call. And the same doubts. This time I put a word to what the call was: abolitionist. To work towards the abolition of sexual slavery and one of the main things that exacerbates sexual slavery: poverty. But again, who am I? So I finished my diploma and started to work for a law firm and settle into a career. But I was not as comfortable in Edmonton as I had been the year before and I was looking for a way to escape. So could I escape through a very "Christian", acceptable means and go on a missions trip? I could get away from having to put down roots in a city that daily reminded me of my heartbreak and I wouldn't have to face my own "demons".
Enter 2012. What a year. Blessings and mistakes beyond measure.
I went to BreakForth in January and attended a session entitled "Screaming Injustice" that Simon Guillebaud of Great Lakes Outreach in Burundi was leading. He was so passionate when he spoke about his work and he urged us to choose one area, however small, to get passionate about. But he didn't ask us to just become passionate about the area, but to GET ANGRY! Anger does not come easily to me because I have always assumed that all anger is wrong. But anger towards the injustice in our world isn't wrong. And I got angry. Angry that we live in a world that allows, and perpetuates, sex trafficking. That children the age of my beloved cousin, Rachel, and of my cousin's daughter, Elleah, are trafficked. How do we allow this to happen? But most people don't know that it's happening, or they turn away because they assume or hope that someone else is dealing with the problem.
I came to the conclusion in 2012 that this is an issue that I just can't drop. I can't let go of it. It has grabbed hold of my heart and it is there to stay. So I dived in. I began researching and reading about trafficking; the causes, the perpetrators, and the victims. I have so much more to learn, but I know I will never fully be able to comprehend the utter depravity that is the heart of man to allow sex trafficking to exist. It needs to end.
I am not an expert on this subject. I am only beginning to understand the roles that poverty and politics play and the many faces that trafficking takes. But I am learning. As I learn, I pray that my heart won't become callused and jaded to the suffering of the victims. That they won't simply become a statistic or a story. That my heart will break for them and fight for them and work towards their freedom with everything that I have in me.
And amid the knowledge and the wrestling I have done, both mentally and emotionally, I am constantly driven to God's grace, sovereignty, and His heart of justice. I am passionate about His justice, but His heart screams for it. He IS justice. He IS grace. He IS sovereign. What I can only show a fraction of, He is in its entirety for He is the beginning and end of grace and justice. I become so disgusted with the world and our sin and I sometimes find it so easy to read about the traffickers and think that I would never do something like they do. Not only do I not know that, but my own sin is just the same in the eyes of God. And His grace is just the same for me as it is for someone who traffics children. His grace is the sweetest thing in my life.
So why am I writing this? For a few reasons.
1) I attended a film viewing this evening at Grant MacEwan entitled "Trade of Innocents" based on Ratanak International's work in Cambodia to free victims of sex trafficking and bring the traffickers to justice. Charlotte Bellis, Ratanak International's representative, urged us to do something about the urge we felt in our hearts about the movie, even if doing something meant just telling a friend. And I can write and I need to write, so I decided to write.
2) I have been silent for too long about the passions of my life. I felt that I could keep myself safe from challenges and hurts if I simply said nothing about what I am the most passionate about. I was afraid that people would tell me that there is no way that I, a little country girl from Gem, Alberta, could possibly make a difference to stop the epidemic of trafficking in our world. They would be right. But I have a passion and I have talents and God is in control of the rest.
3) People need to know. People need to understand that there are currently 27 million victims of trafficking in our world. Apparently that's the same number of people as the population of Australia and New Zealand combined. Two whole countries of people have been trafficked. And people don't know about it.
4) If you believe in prayer and want to pray for me as I consider what to do next to pursue this passion, I would appreciate it. I have a few options open to me, but I am not entirely certain how to proceed so prayer for clarity, wisdom, and guidance would be appreciated.
Anyways, that's about all I have to say. If you want to read more about IJM or Ratanak International, I have put the links below. I have also put a link to the Somaly Mam Foundation, which was founded by Somaly Mam, a Cambodian woman who was sold into sexual slavery and forced to work as a prostitute for ten years. Her organization now helps to free women and children from sexual slavery and provides counseling, schooling, and training in various trades so that the women can be self-supporting.
http://ijm.org/
http://www.ratanak.org/
http://www.somaly.org/somaly-mam
Elisa.
When I attended Prairie from 2008-2009, Jamie McIntosh from International Justice Missions Canada (IJM). He spoke about IJM's work in human trafficking and sex trafficking and shared a video about their work. I don't remember exactly what he said or what the video showed, but I remember being absolutely broken about what he shared. I could hardly pray with our worship team afterwards because my heart was just reeling from what I had heard about sex trafficking. I remember feeling that this was something that I wanted to dedicate my life to. But I don't trust my emotions and I didn't know what I could possibly do because who am I to be able to work in such an area? I have no experience, no skills, and certainly no idea of what I would be getting into. So I let the idea sit idle in the back of my mind and went on with life at Bible school (i.e., lots of Frisbee and late nights).
Fast forward to the 2010-2011 school year. New city, different school, a heart weighed down with emotional wreckage. And the same call. And the same doubts. This time I put a word to what the call was: abolitionist. To work towards the abolition of sexual slavery and one of the main things that exacerbates sexual slavery: poverty. But again, who am I? So I finished my diploma and started to work for a law firm and settle into a career. But I was not as comfortable in Edmonton as I had been the year before and I was looking for a way to escape. So could I escape through a very "Christian", acceptable means and go on a missions trip? I could get away from having to put down roots in a city that daily reminded me of my heartbreak and I wouldn't have to face my own "demons".
Enter 2012. What a year. Blessings and mistakes beyond measure.
I went to BreakForth in January and attended a session entitled "Screaming Injustice" that Simon Guillebaud of Great Lakes Outreach in Burundi was leading. He was so passionate when he spoke about his work and he urged us to choose one area, however small, to get passionate about. But he didn't ask us to just become passionate about the area, but to GET ANGRY! Anger does not come easily to me because I have always assumed that all anger is wrong. But anger towards the injustice in our world isn't wrong. And I got angry. Angry that we live in a world that allows, and perpetuates, sex trafficking. That children the age of my beloved cousin, Rachel, and of my cousin's daughter, Elleah, are trafficked. How do we allow this to happen? But most people don't know that it's happening, or they turn away because they assume or hope that someone else is dealing with the problem.
I came to the conclusion in 2012 that this is an issue that I just can't drop. I can't let go of it. It has grabbed hold of my heart and it is there to stay. So I dived in. I began researching and reading about trafficking; the causes, the perpetrators, and the victims. I have so much more to learn, but I know I will never fully be able to comprehend the utter depravity that is the heart of man to allow sex trafficking to exist. It needs to end.
I am not an expert on this subject. I am only beginning to understand the roles that poverty and politics play and the many faces that trafficking takes. But I am learning. As I learn, I pray that my heart won't become callused and jaded to the suffering of the victims. That they won't simply become a statistic or a story. That my heart will break for them and fight for them and work towards their freedom with everything that I have in me.
And amid the knowledge and the wrestling I have done, both mentally and emotionally, I am constantly driven to God's grace, sovereignty, and His heart of justice. I am passionate about His justice, but His heart screams for it. He IS justice. He IS grace. He IS sovereign. What I can only show a fraction of, He is in its entirety for He is the beginning and end of grace and justice. I become so disgusted with the world and our sin and I sometimes find it so easy to read about the traffickers and think that I would never do something like they do. Not only do I not know that, but my own sin is just the same in the eyes of God. And His grace is just the same for me as it is for someone who traffics children. His grace is the sweetest thing in my life.
So why am I writing this? For a few reasons.
1) I attended a film viewing this evening at Grant MacEwan entitled "Trade of Innocents" based on Ratanak International's work in Cambodia to free victims of sex trafficking and bring the traffickers to justice. Charlotte Bellis, Ratanak International's representative, urged us to do something about the urge we felt in our hearts about the movie, even if doing something meant just telling a friend. And I can write and I need to write, so I decided to write.
2) I have been silent for too long about the passions of my life. I felt that I could keep myself safe from challenges and hurts if I simply said nothing about what I am the most passionate about. I was afraid that people would tell me that there is no way that I, a little country girl from Gem, Alberta, could possibly make a difference to stop the epidemic of trafficking in our world. They would be right. But I have a passion and I have talents and God is in control of the rest.
3) People need to know. People need to understand that there are currently 27 million victims of trafficking in our world. Apparently that's the same number of people as the population of Australia and New Zealand combined. Two whole countries of people have been trafficked. And people don't know about it.
4) If you believe in prayer and want to pray for me as I consider what to do next to pursue this passion, I would appreciate it. I have a few options open to me, but I am not entirely certain how to proceed so prayer for clarity, wisdom, and guidance would be appreciated.
Anyways, that's about all I have to say. If you want to read more about IJM or Ratanak International, I have put the links below. I have also put a link to the Somaly Mam Foundation, which was founded by Somaly Mam, a Cambodian woman who was sold into sexual slavery and forced to work as a prostitute for ten years. Her organization now helps to free women and children from sexual slavery and provides counseling, schooling, and training in various trades so that the women can be self-supporting.
http://ijm.org/
http://www.ratanak.org/
http://www.somaly.org/somaly-mam
Elisa.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Quest for Autonomity and Home
There is no true way to describe how my heart feels when my car turns onto the road towards home and I can see the lights of Gem in the distance, with the stars overhead and my favorite music playing softly in the background. I feel as though the armor I have wrapped around myself can finally come off for a little while because I am safe at home and this is the one place where I can truly be loved. It is the only place I feel loved...and that breaks my heart, just as the loneliness that has been lurking deep in my heart is breaking me. I have been searching for a home away from the caring arms of my family, yet I cannot seem to find it anywhere. At the same time that I have been searching for this home, I have been seeking to be autonomous (a fact that a few friends have laughed at). I have had this dream/lie inside for years that, if I can just stop being so dependent on other people for anything, then I will be free from pain. I have found the opposite to be true. I am not saying this quest for autonomity is right or good, it is just there. I have long felt that needing people is a flaw (in myself only) because I have trouble seeing that anyone could need me. And if I am not needed, then I should not need others. Did that make any sense? And have I mentioned that I fight with my pride every day and my pride often wins?
There are many reasons for me having withdrawn from people: mistrust, inability to trust, insecurities, bitterness, fears, etc. None of them are very good, but I have not allowed myself to actually explore the answers and root out the problems. Instead I have let them compound and, thus, grow in their intesity. Also, I have not considered whether any of them are truly valid reasons and simply disregarded them, and myself by extension, as being foolish. Yet another fault.
This is not to say that everyday is a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. I love my job, I have a few supportive friends around me, the love of my family, and God has proven His faithfulness, just as He told me He would. I tend to discount the large changes occurring in my life and expect myself to have perfect composure and execution in every task presented in life. I believe some people would call that "undue pressure and stress"...or something like that. If I were perfect, I wouldn't need grace...instead, I am learning how desperately I need it.
Another thing I have been learning is that God is unchanging. Period. And that is a good thing. If God was as "changing" as I am, then the world would be dropped on its head daily because He would have just given up and walked away. As I dig deeper into my heart to root out the sin, I find more sin. And as I dig deeper into God, I find more grace. Always.
Anyways...that was supposed to be much more eloquent then it was. I wrote it out in my head on my way home from Edmonton but I tend to forget what I write when large birds fly out of the ditch and hit my vehicle. Also, this is why I try not to write after midnight.
Elisa.
There are many reasons for me having withdrawn from people: mistrust, inability to trust, insecurities, bitterness, fears, etc. None of them are very good, but I have not allowed myself to actually explore the answers and root out the problems. Instead I have let them compound and, thus, grow in their intesity. Also, I have not considered whether any of them are truly valid reasons and simply disregarded them, and myself by extension, as being foolish. Yet another fault.
This is not to say that everyday is a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. I love my job, I have a few supportive friends around me, the love of my family, and God has proven His faithfulness, just as He told me He would. I tend to discount the large changes occurring in my life and expect myself to have perfect composure and execution in every task presented in life. I believe some people would call that "undue pressure and stress"...or something like that. If I were perfect, I wouldn't need grace...instead, I am learning how desperately I need it.
Another thing I have been learning is that God is unchanging. Period. And that is a good thing. If God was as "changing" as I am, then the world would be dropped on its head daily because He would have just given up and walked away. As I dig deeper into my heart to root out the sin, I find more sin. And as I dig deeper into God, I find more grace. Always.
Anyways...that was supposed to be much more eloquent then it was. I wrote it out in my head on my way home from Edmonton but I tend to forget what I write when large birds fly out of the ditch and hit my vehicle. Also, this is why I try not to write after midnight.
Elisa.
Friday, April 15, 2011
where do we go from here?
Well, it seems like every April brings about changes in my life. I remember asking my mom at the end of last April why I was so tired and her answer being, "Oh, I don't know. You finished your first year of university, had your heart broken, moved home, and now you have to find a job. You tell me why you're tired." April 2010 will go down in history - my personal history, that is - as the most eventful to date. Yet it also sparked a deeper relationship with God and a reliance on Him that I had never before possessed. In many ways I feel as though I have lost that same desperate pursuit, but I recognized last night while talking with a friend that I am not going to be pursuing God in the same way now as I was last year. My life has gone from one of brokenness to one of great joy, blessing, excitement, and hope! I don't have to pursue God for healing from a broken heart any more...now I need to learn how to dwell in the blessings that He has given me and not just use them for myself.
It is hard to know what to do with the path that God has laid (lain?) before me. The past month has been an adventure of transition for me, physically and spiritually. I will be finishing my practicum next week and then starting my career (that's a daunting word). I am moving tomorrow into my first ever apartment (so excited!) and I will be living alone. I really feel a sense of God leading me to a place of solitude where I can learn who I truly am in Christ. I have been living up to the expectations of others and allowing myself to be molded into the image of what other people want, but I find myself exhausted trying to be someone who I am not. But I don't know who I am anymore because I have been going nonstop for the past month. I feel as though God is bringing me through this season of transition to show me what He wants for my life and to restore or replace the dreams that I have held or continue to hold. As cliche as this sounds, I need to learn how to be okay with being Elisa.
However, I know that my story is only one part of a much larger story and so I don't want to shut myself out from the larger story. I am asking God to renew my vision of the larger picture because I have often lost sight of eternity in the face of a deadline I face at work or the little details of moving apartments.
Two verses have been coming to mind often lately:
"Be still and know that I am God."
- Psalm 46:10
"'Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
The she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
'In that day', declares the Lord,
'you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.'...
I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the Lord.'"
- Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20
And one more, actually...
"Sow for yourselves righteousness,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the Lord,
until he comes and showers righteousness on you."
-Hosea 10:12
The metaphors of deserts, land, and the ever-blooming tree mentioned in Revelation have really been on my heart and mind lately. I am not sure if I am in the desert or not because I am still learning but I am not learning as much as I would like. I have been seeking other things and desiring other things, but I want to come back home now. Back home to Christ's arms so I can dwell safely in the arms of my Love, knowing that I am His Beloved.
Well, that's a long enough post for now. Yikes. I am nervous for the future because I cannot see my way forward, yet I am also excited because I know that God has promised to "give me every place I set my foot" (Joshua 1:3). He is faithful and I pray that He is growing faithfulness in me.
-Elisa.
It is hard to know what to do with the path that God has laid (lain?) before me. The past month has been an adventure of transition for me, physically and spiritually. I will be finishing my practicum next week and then starting my career (that's a daunting word). I am moving tomorrow into my first ever apartment (so excited!) and I will be living alone. I really feel a sense of God leading me to a place of solitude where I can learn who I truly am in Christ. I have been living up to the expectations of others and allowing myself to be molded into the image of what other people want, but I find myself exhausted trying to be someone who I am not. But I don't know who I am anymore because I have been going nonstop for the past month. I feel as though God is bringing me through this season of transition to show me what He wants for my life and to restore or replace the dreams that I have held or continue to hold. As cliche as this sounds, I need to learn how to be okay with being Elisa.
However, I know that my story is only one part of a much larger story and so I don't want to shut myself out from the larger story. I am asking God to renew my vision of the larger picture because I have often lost sight of eternity in the face of a deadline I face at work or the little details of moving apartments.
Two verses have been coming to mind often lately:
"Be still and know that I am God."
- Psalm 46:10
"'Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
The she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
'In that day', declares the Lord,
'you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.'...
I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the Lord.'"
- Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20
And one more, actually...
"Sow for yourselves righteousness,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the Lord,
until he comes and showers righteousness on you."
-Hosea 10:12
The metaphors of deserts, land, and the ever-blooming tree mentioned in Revelation have really been on my heart and mind lately. I am not sure if I am in the desert or not because I am still learning but I am not learning as much as I would like. I have been seeking other things and desiring other things, but I want to come back home now. Back home to Christ's arms so I can dwell safely in the arms of my Love, knowing that I am His Beloved.
Well, that's a long enough post for now. Yikes. I am nervous for the future because I cannot see my way forward, yet I am also excited because I know that God has promised to "give me every place I set my foot" (Joshua 1:3). He is faithful and I pray that He is growing faithfulness in me.
-Elisa.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
the adventure of finding home
Well, I need to be out of Residence by April 26 so I have been looking high and low for a place to call "home" for the next year of my life. Because I don't know what my exact income is going to be each month, I have been budgeting on the conservative side because I would rather be surprised to find that I have more income than I believe than side-swiped by making less than I am spending on rent, groceries, car insurance, etc. It has bee interesting to discover what $589/month will get someone and what $900+ will bring. The range is huge!
For example, the place that I "toured" this morning was $589/month with heat, water, and cable included in rent. Parking was an additional $55/month (that's ridiculously steep for the parking lot that they offer) and then electricity was sub-metered. So that sounds like a decent deal, right? I think that I have a fairly open mind about where I could potentially live but I was scared as soon as I walked into this building. As a single, young woman I cannot imagine living in a place like that. I felt like I was in the dodgiest area of Berlin in the middle of a Jason Bourne movie, except it wasn't the cool fight scene part but the part where he wanders through the dark alleys and there are rats scurrying about underfoot.
With all that being said, I cannot help but be thankful that God has blessed me with enough that I don't have to live there. I have the choice of where I can live and, if it came down to it, I am sure that my parents would let me move back home before they would let me live there. I don't know the stories of the people who live in that apartment building and maybe that truly does feel like home to them. I feel as though I have come across condescendingly and that was not my intent. This morning made me thankful. I have more than enough and not because of my own efforts but because God, for some unknown reason, saw fit to bless me with being raised in a family that never wanted for anything.
So what have I done with those blessings in reaching out to those who do want for the things that I take for granted? Often when I think of blessing, I am reminded of a picture that my friend drew while I was at Prairie. Amy's drawing was of a pitcher that had water flowing into it from above, symbolizing the blessing that God pours into our life. But the pitcher was also overflowing and splashing on the ground all around it, which symbolized how we should receive blessing and then let it flood out to those around us. So how do I bless people with the abundance that I have? Can I bless people if I am not dwelling in the blessing of God?
Funny how a simple apartment tour can bring up so many questions in my heart.
-Elisa.
For example, the place that I "toured" this morning was $589/month with heat, water, and cable included in rent. Parking was an additional $55/month (that's ridiculously steep for the parking lot that they offer) and then electricity was sub-metered. So that sounds like a decent deal, right? I think that I have a fairly open mind about where I could potentially live but I was scared as soon as I walked into this building. As a single, young woman I cannot imagine living in a place like that. I felt like I was in the dodgiest area of Berlin in the middle of a Jason Bourne movie, except it wasn't the cool fight scene part but the part where he wanders through the dark alleys and there are rats scurrying about underfoot.
With all that being said, I cannot help but be thankful that God has blessed me with enough that I don't have to live there. I have the choice of where I can live and, if it came down to it, I am sure that my parents would let me move back home before they would let me live there. I don't know the stories of the people who live in that apartment building and maybe that truly does feel like home to them. I feel as though I have come across condescendingly and that was not my intent. This morning made me thankful. I have more than enough and not because of my own efforts but because God, for some unknown reason, saw fit to bless me with being raised in a family that never wanted for anything.
So what have I done with those blessings in reaching out to those who do want for the things that I take for granted? Often when I think of blessing, I am reminded of a picture that my friend drew while I was at Prairie. Amy's drawing was of a pitcher that had water flowing into it from above, symbolizing the blessing that God pours into our life. But the pitcher was also overflowing and splashing on the ground all around it, which symbolized how we should receive blessing and then let it flood out to those around us. So how do I bless people with the abundance that I have? Can I bless people if I am not dwelling in the blessing of God?
Funny how a simple apartment tour can bring up so many questions in my heart.
-Elisa.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Jon Thurlow - Fountains
Cast all your cares on Me
'cause I care for you, I care for you
Cast all your cares on Me
'cause I care for you, I care for you
'Cause all your fountains are in Me
and I have everything you need
so just keep coming back to Me
And those who call upon My Name,
they will not be put to shame
just keep coming back to Me
So come to Me if you're weary
and I'll give you rest, I'll give you rest
My yoke is so easy
and My burden is less, My burden is less
And all your fountains are in Me
and I have everything you need
Just keep coming back to Me
And those who call upon My Name,
they will not be put to shame
so just keep coming back to Me (x4)
Keep coming back to Me,
so just keep coming back to Me
Just keeping coming back to Me
Remember that I am a rewarder of those who seek Me
I am a rewarder of those who seek Me
Keep coming back to Me,
keep coming back to Me,
keep coming back to Me
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Restoration
I wrote this post out in my journal a few nights back and finally am sitting down to put it on here.
"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
I don't claim to know every kind of heartbreak. I have lost friends to cancer and I have lost friends to car accidents. The pain for each was different; the heartbreak was different. I have watched friends have their family members die slow deaths to cancer or be woken in the early hours of the morning to an unexpected knock on the door bringing news of a fatal car accident. In each situation the heartbreak that I felt for my friends was different. I have seen lives and families torn apart by divorce but I don't claim to know that sort of heartbreak. I have watched friends tumble down the abyss towards suicide - that heartbreak I know. I have seen young, feminine hearts crushed by undeserving boys who promised beautiful things and then delivered only tears. That pain, I know.
I have never lost a spouse to death or divorce. I have never lost a child, sibling, or parent. Yet, the loss and the heartbreak that I suffered rocked the very foundations of my world and caused me to question my existence and purpose. So how much more would these other heartbreaks shatter one's heart, dreams and possibly, beliefs? I know that a break up between a boyfriend and girlfriend resides on the lower end of the proverbial pain spectrum and that hope is renewed differently than when a death occurs. However, it is still a loss of sorts and it hurts...sometimes agonizingly.
All of this to simply say, someday you will give thanks again. Maybe you'll never give thanks for the loss itself, but instead for the various blessings that may come from such agony. Yes, there are blessings amid agony. Jesus endured such physical and emotional agony on the cross to secure our salvation and banish death forever! If salvation is not a blessing then nothing is!
God works all things for the good of those who love Him. What good is He working in your heart and life? Maybe He's renewed your hope for the future and returned dreams to your heart that you long ago cast away. Maybe He has brought new friends into your life who uplift you and are there when you need someone to lean on. Maybe God has strengthed your remaining family and given you the closeness that you've always desired. And, most of all, maybe God's revealed more of His heart and His character to you through the months of agony. Maybe you have a deeper understanding of His love, grace, compassion, plan, purpose, and rest than ever before. That is the greatest blessing.
It has taken me nearly ten months to reconcile with God and be able to genuinely thank Him for allowing my heart to be broken. I am still broken and raw in areas, but my heart is stronger now through His restoration and I am no longer chained by the label of "broken". I have found that this restoration can only come when I am totally honest with God, even if that means that I am screaming at Him. I have found that He can take even my harshest words graciously and He forgives readily when I calm down and repent. My Jesus loves unconditionally and unreservedly.
So where is your heart? If you're in the dark night of the soul and doubting His existence, He is there. If you see the light growing brighter but the dark regularly swoops in to snatch at your hope, He is there. He is by your side as you lie on the floor sobbing. He is there when you find you have nowhere to turn but to Him, however begrudgingly you may go into His arms. He is there when you seek healing or distraction in momentary pleasures. And He is also there on the good days when you can smile at old memories with fondness instead of anger. He is there to the very end and beyond, when you appear before Him as His pure, righteous bride and He says, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Hold onto Him and hold onto hope, beloved. He will heal you.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23
-Elisa.
"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
I don't claim to know every kind of heartbreak. I have lost friends to cancer and I have lost friends to car accidents. The pain for each was different; the heartbreak was different. I have watched friends have their family members die slow deaths to cancer or be woken in the early hours of the morning to an unexpected knock on the door bringing news of a fatal car accident. In each situation the heartbreak that I felt for my friends was different. I have seen lives and families torn apart by divorce but I don't claim to know that sort of heartbreak. I have watched friends tumble down the abyss towards suicide - that heartbreak I know. I have seen young, feminine hearts crushed by undeserving boys who promised beautiful things and then delivered only tears. That pain, I know.
I have never lost a spouse to death or divorce. I have never lost a child, sibling, or parent. Yet, the loss and the heartbreak that I suffered rocked the very foundations of my world and caused me to question my existence and purpose. So how much more would these other heartbreaks shatter one's heart, dreams and possibly, beliefs? I know that a break up between a boyfriend and girlfriend resides on the lower end of the proverbial pain spectrum and that hope is renewed differently than when a death occurs. However, it is still a loss of sorts and it hurts...sometimes agonizingly.
All of this to simply say, someday you will give thanks again. Maybe you'll never give thanks for the loss itself, but instead for the various blessings that may come from such agony. Yes, there are blessings amid agony. Jesus endured such physical and emotional agony on the cross to secure our salvation and banish death forever! If salvation is not a blessing then nothing is!
God works all things for the good of those who love Him. What good is He working in your heart and life? Maybe He's renewed your hope for the future and returned dreams to your heart that you long ago cast away. Maybe He has brought new friends into your life who uplift you and are there when you need someone to lean on. Maybe God has strengthed your remaining family and given you the closeness that you've always desired. And, most of all, maybe God's revealed more of His heart and His character to you through the months of agony. Maybe you have a deeper understanding of His love, grace, compassion, plan, purpose, and rest than ever before. That is the greatest blessing.
It has taken me nearly ten months to reconcile with God and be able to genuinely thank Him for allowing my heart to be broken. I am still broken and raw in areas, but my heart is stronger now through His restoration and I am no longer chained by the label of "broken". I have found that this restoration can only come when I am totally honest with God, even if that means that I am screaming at Him. I have found that He can take even my harshest words graciously and He forgives readily when I calm down and repent. My Jesus loves unconditionally and unreservedly.
So where is your heart? If you're in the dark night of the soul and doubting His existence, He is there. If you see the light growing brighter but the dark regularly swoops in to snatch at your hope, He is there. He is by your side as you lie on the floor sobbing. He is there when you find you have nowhere to turn but to Him, however begrudgingly you may go into His arms. He is there when you seek healing or distraction in momentary pleasures. And He is also there on the good days when you can smile at old memories with fondness instead of anger. He is there to the very end and beyond, when you appear before Him as His pure, righteous bride and He says, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Hold onto Him and hold onto hope, beloved. He will heal you.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23
-Elisa.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
the sounds of high school
I am weeding out my iPod because it is almost full (it's one of the old 8GB Nanos that I've had for years!) and there are so many songs that I skip over without actually listening to because I can't stand them anymore. Some of the music hasn't been listened to in four years, but every once in a while I come across a song that I still like that takes me back to a specific time in my life.
Right now I'm listening to "Broken" by Seether featuring Amy Lee which was one of my favorite songs back in the day. I was in the depths of depression and self-injury when I first heard this song and it managed to bring some hope into my life. I remember a friend making me listen to it and, after that first hearing, I listened to it repeatedly for weeks. For some reason the words reminded me that I wasn't alone in my pain, even though the song does not speak of God. When I listened to this song, I realized that it was okay to be broken and that I was not a freak for feeling as I did for so long. I felt as though life would never get better, even though I hoped every day that something would change to make me feel accepted, loved, and precious.
So what did change?
Honestly, I don't know how I escaped self-injury and recovered from depression. It seems terribly cliche and "Sunday-schoolish" to say simply that it was God, but that is the only answer that resonates inside me. All I really know was that I was told one day that I had to tell my parents about my self-injury or I couldn't return to camp, which was devastating and motivating because camp was the only place where I felt accepted. So I told my parents and, to date, that is the most difficult and terrifying thing that I have ever done. But after that day, July 30, 2006, I stopped hurting myself because I became accountable to the people who brought me into the world.
The day after I told them, my pastor's wife asked me to think about my identity and what, or who, exactly defines it. I remember searching for fulfillment among the boys in my high school (much to my chagrin, now that I reflect upon those years...) and among my peers but always feeling empty, which drove me further into depression and self-hatred. But on July 31, 2006 at approximately 10:38 a.m. (I used to record the time of my journal entries and what music I was listening to while writing), I wrote the following words:
Who am I, as a daughter of Christ? My head understands that I am a precious jewel in Christ's hand, but my heart doesn't seem to catch on. I'm loveable, treasured, and cherished by God. I hurt Him when I mess up but He's always willing to welcome me back into His arms. I am striving for perfection, knowing that I won't attain it in this life, but trying to achieve it anyways. With Christ, I acknowledge my mistakes, repent, and move on. I am searching for what He wants; for where I am to go in this life. I am wanting to run with God but not knowing how. I want to take myself off the throne of my life but don't know how. This is who I am.
The past eight months of my life have been the most difficult yet and I was tempted to contemplate suicide and self-injury more often than I would like to admit. I was more depressed than I was while in high school, yet I would not trade those months of pain for anything. Through the past eight months, God has shown Himself to be so incredibly faithful as He refines me, changing my heart to reflect His desires for my life. There were days this summer when I would be mowing my aunt's lawn and I would literally scream at God because my heart hurt so much that I could barely think or breathe. But, through the days and weeks of screaming and wrestling with all the thoughts that constantly bombarded me, God kept whispering, "Trust me. Trust me. Trust me." Oftentimes, I would cry so hard that I would retch but Jesus always reminded me of His presence and that He was before His Father's throne, presenting my heart and desires to God for me because I couldn't form coherent prayers by myself.
Now, as I sit here in the room at my parents' house that has been mine since I was five, I feel light. This room has always been my safe haven where I could break down without having anyone watch and judge me for being so broken. I find myself thinking about 2010 and everything that happened, and I realize that I have never laughed more than I did in 2010, nor have I felt more sure of where God wants me to go with my life. I had more prayers answered in 2010 than ever before and maybe that comes from the fact that I prayed more in 2010 than ever before. I struggle daily with pursuing Christ to the utmost, but when I look back at my sixteen-year-old self's journals, I realize that I have come so far in the past four years that I am almost unrecognizable. And I am okay with that.
Happy New Year.
Elisa.
Right now I'm listening to "Broken" by Seether featuring Amy Lee which was one of my favorite songs back in the day. I was in the depths of depression and self-injury when I first heard this song and it managed to bring some hope into my life. I remember a friend making me listen to it and, after that first hearing, I listened to it repeatedly for weeks. For some reason the words reminded me that I wasn't alone in my pain, even though the song does not speak of God. When I listened to this song, I realized that it was okay to be broken and that I was not a freak for feeling as I did for so long. I felt as though life would never get better, even though I hoped every day that something would change to make me feel accepted, loved, and precious.
So what did change?
Honestly, I don't know how I escaped self-injury and recovered from depression. It seems terribly cliche and "Sunday-schoolish" to say simply that it was God, but that is the only answer that resonates inside me. All I really know was that I was told one day that I had to tell my parents about my self-injury or I couldn't return to camp, which was devastating and motivating because camp was the only place where I felt accepted. So I told my parents and, to date, that is the most difficult and terrifying thing that I have ever done. But after that day, July 30, 2006, I stopped hurting myself because I became accountable to the people who brought me into the world.
The day after I told them, my pastor's wife asked me to think about my identity and what, or who, exactly defines it. I remember searching for fulfillment among the boys in my high school (much to my chagrin, now that I reflect upon those years...) and among my peers but always feeling empty, which drove me further into depression and self-hatred. But on July 31, 2006 at approximately 10:38 a.m. (I used to record the time of my journal entries and what music I was listening to while writing), I wrote the following words:
Who am I, as a daughter of Christ? My head understands that I am a precious jewel in Christ's hand, but my heart doesn't seem to catch on. I'm loveable, treasured, and cherished by God. I hurt Him when I mess up but He's always willing to welcome me back into His arms. I am striving for perfection, knowing that I won't attain it in this life, but trying to achieve it anyways. With Christ, I acknowledge my mistakes, repent, and move on. I am searching for what He wants; for where I am to go in this life. I am wanting to run with God but not knowing how. I want to take myself off the throne of my life but don't know how. This is who I am.
The past eight months of my life have been the most difficult yet and I was tempted to contemplate suicide and self-injury more often than I would like to admit. I was more depressed than I was while in high school, yet I would not trade those months of pain for anything. Through the past eight months, God has shown Himself to be so incredibly faithful as He refines me, changing my heart to reflect His desires for my life. There were days this summer when I would be mowing my aunt's lawn and I would literally scream at God because my heart hurt so much that I could barely think or breathe. But, through the days and weeks of screaming and wrestling with all the thoughts that constantly bombarded me, God kept whispering, "Trust me. Trust me. Trust me." Oftentimes, I would cry so hard that I would retch but Jesus always reminded me of His presence and that He was before His Father's throne, presenting my heart and desires to God for me because I couldn't form coherent prayers by myself.
Now, as I sit here in the room at my parents' house that has been mine since I was five, I feel light. This room has always been my safe haven where I could break down without having anyone watch and judge me for being so broken. I find myself thinking about 2010 and everything that happened, and I realize that I have never laughed more than I did in 2010, nor have I felt more sure of where God wants me to go with my life. I had more prayers answered in 2010 than ever before and maybe that comes from the fact that I prayed more in 2010 than ever before. I struggle daily with pursuing Christ to the utmost, but when I look back at my sixteen-year-old self's journals, I realize that I have come so far in the past four years that I am almost unrecognizable. And I am okay with that.
Happy New Year.
Elisa.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
a new understanding of Christmas. for me, at least.
"Promise of a Lifetime" by Kutless
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me
[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime
Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me
[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted
Looking back at me
I know that you can see
my heart is open to the promise of a lifetime.
My heart is so torn apart tonight for the people that I love. Yet it is not my love that heals, but Jesus' love. And that's what Christmas is really about, right? And it's not with my strength but His that I can face tomorrow and the future with any certainty that everything will turn out as He has planned. And He will not give me more than I can bear, for He knows my heart and what I can handle. I am His beloved, and He is mine.
Merry Christmas, from my broken, healing heart to yours.
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me
[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime
Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me
[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted
Looking back at me
I know that you can see
my heart is open to the promise of a lifetime.
My heart is so torn apart tonight for the people that I love. Yet it is not my love that heals, but Jesus' love. And that's what Christmas is really about, right? And it's not with my strength but His that I can face tomorrow and the future with any certainty that everything will turn out as He has planned. And He will not give me more than I can bear, for He knows my heart and what I can handle. I am His beloved, and He is mine.
Merry Christmas, from my broken, healing heart to yours.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Law and Grace
Sometimes God amazes me with how He works, especially when I am being stubborn and unwilling to submit to Him. He is still faithful and still provides for me, despite my keen sense of pride and entitlement and my lack of thankfulness. His grace and mercy amaze me.
I am thinking of this tonight because every time I have attended Beulah Alliance Church, the pastor has spoken about subjects that I have journalled about and prayed over in the past week or even just in the few hours before church starts. Yesterday I wrote in my journal, "God, whenever I read Your Word, my eyes skip right over the grace and get straight to the condemnation." Tonight Pastor Taylor was preaching on Romans 7:14-25, in which Paul is trying to figure out why he still struggles with sin in his life when he desperately wants to be free from it. I have found myself in the same place in the past few weeks because there are some sins and temptations in my life that I struggle with almost daily, yet I don't want to do them anymore. I don't want to sin anymore, yet I find myself slipping back into it far too often. Daily, in fact.
Pastor Taylor was talking about the fact that we cannot free ourselves from sin because we don't have the power. However, Christ does and He has given us that power. We need to work at not sinning but do so through the strength that Christ provides for us when we become His children. By cultivating our relationships with Christ himself and focusing on Him, we will find ourselves struggling less. God wants you to love Him more than He wants you to "keep rules" because rules rarely create a deep sense of love or adoration for the person administering them. When we fall more and more in love with the Author and Perfector of our faith, we will find ourselves more in-tune with what pleases and displeases Him and we will want to work towards perfection out of a desire to please God, not appease Him.
God has grace that is unending and He wants to extend it to us. He doesn't want us to be bogged down by sin and feel as though we need to clean ourselves up before we can come to His throne and admit our folly. He yearns to give us freedom from our burdens and to show us how truly beloved we are.
Romans 8:1 offers such hope after the bleak reality of our inability to overcome sin totally while on earth. "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." I cling to this verse when I see my shortcomings and I need to bring my sin and temptations to Christ because He desires to help me and to see me become the woman of God that I am designed to be. It is scary to think that we are made for greatness because it is easier to be mediocre. But that is another whole topic that I won't get into right now. I can only do these things through God, whose power is made perfect in my weakness.
Well, that's all my ruminating for this evening. I hope I didn't write anything heretical or theologically unsound.
Elisa.
I am thinking of this tonight because every time I have attended Beulah Alliance Church, the pastor has spoken about subjects that I have journalled about and prayed over in the past week or even just in the few hours before church starts. Yesterday I wrote in my journal, "God, whenever I read Your Word, my eyes skip right over the grace and get straight to the condemnation." Tonight Pastor Taylor was preaching on Romans 7:14-25, in which Paul is trying to figure out why he still struggles with sin in his life when he desperately wants to be free from it. I have found myself in the same place in the past few weeks because there are some sins and temptations in my life that I struggle with almost daily, yet I don't want to do them anymore. I don't want to sin anymore, yet I find myself slipping back into it far too often. Daily, in fact.
Pastor Taylor was talking about the fact that we cannot free ourselves from sin because we don't have the power. However, Christ does and He has given us that power. We need to work at not sinning but do so through the strength that Christ provides for us when we become His children. By cultivating our relationships with Christ himself and focusing on Him, we will find ourselves struggling less. God wants you to love Him more than He wants you to "keep rules" because rules rarely create a deep sense of love or adoration for the person administering them. When we fall more and more in love with the Author and Perfector of our faith, we will find ourselves more in-tune with what pleases and displeases Him and we will want to work towards perfection out of a desire to please God, not appease Him.
God has grace that is unending and He wants to extend it to us. He doesn't want us to be bogged down by sin and feel as though we need to clean ourselves up before we can come to His throne and admit our folly. He yearns to give us freedom from our burdens and to show us how truly beloved we are.
Romans 8:1 offers such hope after the bleak reality of our inability to overcome sin totally while on earth. "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." I cling to this verse when I see my shortcomings and I need to bring my sin and temptations to Christ because He desires to help me and to see me become the woman of God that I am designed to be. It is scary to think that we are made for greatness because it is easier to be mediocre. But that is another whole topic that I won't get into right now. I can only do these things through God, whose power is made perfect in my weakness.
Well, that's all my ruminating for this evening. I hope I didn't write anything heretical or theologically unsound.
Elisa.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Here
Hearts emptied, bared before
the throne of Heaven
Shaking in fear and shame
for my wickedness and nakedness
In this moment, I am Adam.
I am Eve.
I was never perfect, though made
in God's image,
but their sin is my own
As I lay before my LORD God,
at His feet where I recognize fully
my unworthiness,
I am transformed
The barrenness is negated
and the sins committed every minute
are wiped away
as He reaches out His hands
There is silence here
I rest solely on His grace,
His compassion, mercy, and love
As my soul rests from screaming,
from railing against itself,
I find relief and comfort
Every emotion is heightened
yet it is not overwhelming,
rather it is relaxing
For here, and only here,
I am safe
I wrote this on August 31, 2008 and felt like sharing it again.
-Elisa.
the throne of Heaven
Shaking in fear and shame
for my wickedness and nakedness
In this moment, I am Adam.
I am Eve.
I was never perfect, though made
in God's image,
but their sin is my own
As I lay before my LORD God,
at His feet where I recognize fully
my unworthiness,
I am transformed
The barrenness is negated
and the sins committed every minute
are wiped away
as He reaches out His hands
There is silence here
I rest solely on His grace,
His compassion, mercy, and love
As my soul rests from screaming,
from railing against itself,
I find relief and comfort
Every emotion is heightened
yet it is not overwhelming,
rather it is relaxing
For here, and only here,
I am safe
I wrote this on August 31, 2008 and felt like sharing it again.
-Elisa.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
hands and feet.
Often I wonder how I could possibly change the world when I am such a small person with so many fears. I hear the words in my heart "change the world" but I do not know what the first step in that mission would be.
This year seems like such a waste right now because I am not doing anything. I find myself wondering whether or not I should even be in this program and taking these classes because I cannot see any purpose to it right now. Of course there is the purpose of finding a job after I graduate in April, but there has to be a larger reason for this time of training. I am frustrated because I want to be out on adventures and conquering the world for Christ, instead of wading through pages of legal cases about ruptured spleens and soft tissue damage. I love what I am learning but I want practical, hands-on application for it. I want to be out saving the world, not sitting behind a desk.
I find myself longingly studying applications for internships with International Justice Missions and the A21 Campaign instead of wanting to work on homework. I don't even know if God has an internship overseas in His plans for me, but I hope and pray that He does. I read stories of girls being trafficked for prostitution and my heart breaks and the only thing that I can think is "Take me there, God. Just take me there so I can hold them and help them and heal them somehow! Let me be Jesus to them."
Following quickly on the heels of those prayers, though, are the ever-present thoughts that I am not strong enough to go overseas, I am not knowledgeable enough of international legal processes, I am not called to go and my pride is just telling me to go. The list is a long one and it makes me doubt this passion in my heart for justice to be done and for these girls to be freed to know what love is. Who am I to go on a mission such as this? But despite all my fears, I want to go. I want to be Jesus' hands and feet in whatever capacity He would have for me.
Take me there, Jesus.
-Elisa.
This year seems like such a waste right now because I am not doing anything. I find myself wondering whether or not I should even be in this program and taking these classes because I cannot see any purpose to it right now. Of course there is the purpose of finding a job after I graduate in April, but there has to be a larger reason for this time of training. I am frustrated because I want to be out on adventures and conquering the world for Christ, instead of wading through pages of legal cases about ruptured spleens and soft tissue damage. I love what I am learning but I want practical, hands-on application for it. I want to be out saving the world, not sitting behind a desk.
I find myself longingly studying applications for internships with International Justice Missions and the A21 Campaign instead of wanting to work on homework. I don't even know if God has an internship overseas in His plans for me, but I hope and pray that He does. I read stories of girls being trafficked for prostitution and my heart breaks and the only thing that I can think is "Take me there, God. Just take me there so I can hold them and help them and heal them somehow! Let me be Jesus to them."
Following quickly on the heels of those prayers, though, are the ever-present thoughts that I am not strong enough to go overseas, I am not knowledgeable enough of international legal processes, I am not called to go and my pride is just telling me to go. The list is a long one and it makes me doubt this passion in my heart for justice to be done and for these girls to be freed to know what love is. Who am I to go on a mission such as this? But despite all my fears, I want to go. I want to be Jesus' hands and feet in whatever capacity He would have for me.
Take me there, Jesus.
-Elisa.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Daylight, Save Me.
I am having trouble analyzing what I am feeling lately so I have avoided writing because I don't want to ramble and leave everyone else confused, as well. However, I find myself at a point right now where I cannot figure out what is going on by myself.
I am confused, hurt, desperate.
I am lost and wishing someone would stop by the roadside and be the good Samaritan.
I am stuck at this dead end in my head, staring at the crossroads and not knowing which way would be the best to venture down.
I am struggling to have faith.
I am struggling with truly knowing that God is good.
I am having trouble being honest with myself.
I am having trouble being honest with others.
I am struggling with trusting myself and knowing whether or not I should trust myself.
If I can't trust myself, I am not sure how I can trust others.
I am waiting for someone to see the cracking veneer and pick up the pieces for me.
I know that no one will do that.
I have an intense longing to be more than I am right now, but I am can't comprehend that I have the freedom to be more in this instant.
Every day is an intense struggle just to keep going, hoping that someday it will be better.
I just want to let go.
"Daylight" by Brave Saint Saturn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_u7UqY8K88
"Did you hear the news today?
I'm not coming home, no
And I wished it all away
I felt so alone
and the darkness crept its way
like stars we know will die too soon
There is never any sunrise here in the shadows of eclipsing moons
Crawling on a tightrope,
the bravest thing I have is hope
Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, tonight
Halogen, the lights will flicker
Incadescent burning lies
and the silence stands for nothing
Desperate I search the skies, aching for a spark,
trembling in pitchest dark
Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?
We have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria.
U.S.S. Gloria: Mission Control, this is the U.S.S. Gloria, do you read me?
Mayday, we have lost primary guidance functions.
News Reporter: The crew is now out of radio contact. Presently there is no way for us to know whether they are alive or dead. Our hopes and prayers go out with you all.
Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?
U.S.S. Gloria: Houston, this is the U.S.S. Gloria.
Good to hear your voice. We are coming out of the eclipse now. I see the sunlight. It's beautiful, the sunlight is beautiful.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness, You held me
Still held me
When desperate nights I cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone
Your words are life
cut marrow through the darkness, to the bone
A heart of flesh You gave me
Only You can save me
Savior
Daylight
I am coming home
Home! Home! Home! Home."
-Elisa.
I am confused, hurt, desperate.
I am lost and wishing someone would stop by the roadside and be the good Samaritan.
I am stuck at this dead end in my head, staring at the crossroads and not knowing which way would be the best to venture down.
I am struggling to have faith.
I am struggling with truly knowing that God is good.
I am having trouble being honest with myself.
I am having trouble being honest with others.
I am struggling with trusting myself and knowing whether or not I should trust myself.
If I can't trust myself, I am not sure how I can trust others.
I am waiting for someone to see the cracking veneer and pick up the pieces for me.
I know that no one will do that.
I have an intense longing to be more than I am right now, but I am can't comprehend that I have the freedom to be more in this instant.
Every day is an intense struggle just to keep going, hoping that someday it will be better.
I just want to let go.
"Daylight" by Brave Saint Saturn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_u7UqY8K88
"Did you hear the news today?
I'm not coming home, no
And I wished it all away
I felt so alone
and the darkness crept its way
like stars we know will die too soon
There is never any sunrise here in the shadows of eclipsing moons
Crawling on a tightrope,
the bravest thing I have is hope
Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, tonight
Halogen, the lights will flicker
Incadescent burning lies
and the silence stands for nothing
Desperate I search the skies, aching for a spark,
trembling in pitchest dark
Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?
We have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria.
U.S.S. Gloria: Mission Control, this is the U.S.S. Gloria, do you read me?
Mayday, we have lost primary guidance functions.
News Reporter: The crew is now out of radio contact. Presently there is no way for us to know whether they are alive or dead. Our hopes and prayers go out with you all.
Mission Control: U.S.S. Gloria, this is mission control, do you copy?
U.S.S. Gloria: Houston, this is the U.S.S. Gloria.
Good to hear your voice. We are coming out of the eclipse now. I see the sunlight. It's beautiful, the sunlight is beautiful.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness, You held me
Still held me
When desperate nights I cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone
Your words are life
cut marrow through the darkness, to the bone
A heart of flesh You gave me
Only You can save me
Savior
Daylight
I am coming home
Home! Home! Home! Home."
-Elisa.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Beloved
Jesus has been reminding me lately that I am His beloved, and that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Light. I have been driven to my knees so often in the past few days just so I can inhale the next breath and keep walking forward. I have fallen on my face in anguish more often than I would like to admit. I have been broken and totally vulnerable in front of more people than I would like to count. I am raw and in a million pieces. But God brings peace to my heart and reminds me of His love, grace, and that this world is not my home. He reminds me that He has greater plans for me than these moments and months of pain. When I cry out to Him and ask Him how much longer this will last, He simply says, "Possibly every night for the next year. But do you trust Me? Do you trust Me, Elisa?" Oh me of little faith.
I have been praying in the last few days that Jesus would call me by name. That He would He would simply say, "Elisa." How do I describe the yearning that I have for the Lover of my soul to call me by name in the same way that He called to Mary Magdalene in the garden after He rose from the grave? How do I describe the longing for that intimate acknowledgment that I am His and all He must do is say my name for me to recognize Him for who He is? I want to breathe His name and feel His peace and love flood my soul with light. I want to love Him, and I want to love Him well. I want to take my over-abundance of love that others have rejected and pour it onto His feet, like a broken alabastar jar of perfume that Mary Magdalene washed His feet with. I want to Him to flood my being and be my centre of gravity that I revolve around. I want Jesus to be my everything, my all, my reason for being. I am so scared, as well, because I know that I will fail my Jesus, my Saviour. But He took care of those failings already and so I want to fling myself onto His grace, knowing that He wants to remove my shortcomings and sins. I want to be free to dance with my Jesus and serenade Him with love songs. I want to regain the passion that I have lost or misplaced.
This weekend was such a mixture of emotions and thoughts. My heart was overflowing with joy for Heather as she walked down the aisle to her Chad. The very next moment, my heart was breaking again for the dreams that I have lost this summer. I laughed so hard this weekend that my abs still hurt; I cried so much that I have no tears left to shed. There was the beginning of a new life together for Chad and Heather and the ending of some dreams and hopes that I held tightly in my fists. And God ordained it all. He planned every step of these intertwining paths, knowing exactly the emotions, thoughts, and prayers that would go into every part of this weekend. He perfectly juxtaposed everything and provided me with my Prairie friends to pick me up when I fell. He filled me with the love that I had been missing so desperately and showed me again what a community is.
Maybe God allowed me to fall in love with someone on earth to show me how much greater it is to fall in love with Jesus. Once upon a time when I was sixteen, I talked with a friend about how I needed to let go of certain dreams that I held onto much too tightly. God was trying to pry back my stubborn fingers and I refused to let go, but He was also bringing me to a moment of surrender. My friend told me, "You can't give up all of your dreams because then you'll be left with nothing." My response was, "How can I be left with nothing when I am letting go of my dreams and following God's plans?" I am still learning this lesson and I am certain that I will be for many more years. I do not surrender my dreams easily, even when God asks me to let go. The last dream that I refused to let surrender, He wrenched from my grasp in such a way that it shook my entire world. God truly left me with nothing except Himself, and He has been bringing everything back to Him this summer. When God shook my world, I was physically dizzy for about a week because I had removed God from being my centre of gravity and then God had removed my replacement centre of gravity. And, through a friend, God told me that He is a jealous God and He will not tolerate being second. So I struggle to put Him first. I fail daily. But "therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ." (Romans 8:1) Hallelujah.
So Jesus and I will journey onward into the pain, the healing, and the light.
"Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP9pftLiVRA
Love of my life,
look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life,
lust and the lies,
the past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me
You're my beloved
Lover, I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery
Love of my life,
look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah now
You're my beloved
Lover, I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now
Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride?
You will drink of my lips
And taste new life
You're my beloved
Lover, I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me
You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery
-Elisa.
I have been praying in the last few days that Jesus would call me by name. That He would He would simply say, "Elisa." How do I describe the yearning that I have for the Lover of my soul to call me by name in the same way that He called to Mary Magdalene in the garden after He rose from the grave? How do I describe the longing for that intimate acknowledgment that I am His and all He must do is say my name for me to recognize Him for who He is? I want to breathe His name and feel His peace and love flood my soul with light. I want to love Him, and I want to love Him well. I want to take my over-abundance of love that others have rejected and pour it onto His feet, like a broken alabastar jar of perfume that Mary Magdalene washed His feet with. I want to Him to flood my being and be my centre of gravity that I revolve around. I want Jesus to be my everything, my all, my reason for being. I am so scared, as well, because I know that I will fail my Jesus, my Saviour. But He took care of those failings already and so I want to fling myself onto His grace, knowing that He wants to remove my shortcomings and sins. I want to be free to dance with my Jesus and serenade Him with love songs. I want to regain the passion that I have lost or misplaced.
This weekend was such a mixture of emotions and thoughts. My heart was overflowing with joy for Heather as she walked down the aisle to her Chad. The very next moment, my heart was breaking again for the dreams that I have lost this summer. I laughed so hard this weekend that my abs still hurt; I cried so much that I have no tears left to shed. There was the beginning of a new life together for Chad and Heather and the ending of some dreams and hopes that I held tightly in my fists. And God ordained it all. He planned every step of these intertwining paths, knowing exactly the emotions, thoughts, and prayers that would go into every part of this weekend. He perfectly juxtaposed everything and provided me with my Prairie friends to pick me up when I fell. He filled me with the love that I had been missing so desperately and showed me again what a community is.
Maybe God allowed me to fall in love with someone on earth to show me how much greater it is to fall in love with Jesus. Once upon a time when I was sixteen, I talked with a friend about how I needed to let go of certain dreams that I held onto much too tightly. God was trying to pry back my stubborn fingers and I refused to let go, but He was also bringing me to a moment of surrender. My friend told me, "You can't give up all of your dreams because then you'll be left with nothing." My response was, "How can I be left with nothing when I am letting go of my dreams and following God's plans?" I am still learning this lesson and I am certain that I will be for many more years. I do not surrender my dreams easily, even when God asks me to let go. The last dream that I refused to let surrender, He wrenched from my grasp in such a way that it shook my entire world. God truly left me with nothing except Himself, and He has been bringing everything back to Him this summer. When God shook my world, I was physically dizzy for about a week because I had removed God from being my centre of gravity and then God had removed my replacement centre of gravity. And, through a friend, God told me that He is a jealous God and He will not tolerate being second. So I struggle to put Him first. I fail daily. But "therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ." (Romans 8:1) Hallelujah.
So Jesus and I will journey onward into the pain, the healing, and the light.
"Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP9pftLiVRA
Love of my life,
look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life,
lust and the lies,
the past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me
You're my beloved
Lover, I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery
Love of my life,
look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah now
You're my beloved
Lover, I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now
Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride?
You will drink of my lips
And taste new life
You're my beloved
Lover, I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me
You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery
-Elisa.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Anberlin Makes Everything Better
"(The Symphony of) Blasé" by Anberlin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-uHZhlbxaM
"Are there no shadows where you are?
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside (You're pushing me aside)
Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside
I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
something isn't right
something isn't right
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends
Are you so naive to right and wrong
How could you watch innocence forgone
Does what we've done ever really belong?
It wasted me away (I feel so wasted away)
God if you can hear me out alright
Please take these feelings for her inside
My chest hurts when I breathe tonight
It's wasting me away (You're wasting me away)
You're wasting me away
I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
something isn't right
something isn't right
This is our last (This is our last)
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been
This our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends"
This song has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I've been thinking a lot about why relationships end, but I don't have any real answers. God must have a purpose, but I cannot see what it is right now. So I wait.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-uHZhlbxaM
"Are there no shadows where you are?
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside (You're pushing me aside)
Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside
I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
something isn't right
something isn't right
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends
Are you so naive to right and wrong
How could you watch innocence forgone
Does what we've done ever really belong?
It wasted me away (I feel so wasted away)
God if you can hear me out alright
Please take these feelings for her inside
My chest hurts when I breathe tonight
It's wasting me away (You're wasting me away)
You're wasting me away
I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
something isn't right
something isn't right
This is our last (This is our last)
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been
This our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been
This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends"
This song has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I've been thinking a lot about why relationships end, but I don't have any real answers. God must have a purpose, but I cannot see what it is right now. So I wait.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
As It Stands Now
Time seems to have really gotten away from me in the past month. I feel as though I have been running in overdrive ever since the beginning of July and everything is speeding towards September. The only question that I really have is: am I ready?
So, let me re-cap the last month or so in a few paragraphs that will probably be disorganized and rambling.
I have learned a lot about myself this summer but, more importantly, I have learned about God a lot this summer. He has proved his faithfulness to me in countless ways, but I have not always been paying attention. Lately I have been incredibly distracted with moving back to Edmonton and it's been hard to focus on enjoying the moments that God has given to me today. I feel in my heart and soul a deep yearning to be quenched with knowledge of God and to revel in the promises that he has given me, but I am afraid to stop running away. I am struggling with being obedient, and it is causing my soul to ache with thirst and making my mind unguarded because of weariness.
I am learning that God is always faithful to me, regardless of my feelings. I am learning that my faith is not the central, defining factor to who I am. Instead, the object of my faith (Jesus Christ) is central to my life. My ability to have faith is not going to win me any prizes or get me to heaven. Rather, it is Christ's redemptive work on the cross that allows me access to heaven and that is granted to me by God's grace. The prayer of the father from Mark 9 has stuck with me in the past weeks. "I believe; help my unbelief." He believed that Jesus could heal his son, but he still had doubts. I am trying to understand that Jesus wants to remove my doubts. So often I have viewed him as a far-off God who does not care about my struggles, but this is not true. He does want me to succeed.
In the last two weeks, sadness and loneliness have become the two ever-present emotions that shadow every day. This place is familiar to me, because it defined most of grades 8 through 11. But I am tired of gazing at the same scenery and only seeing grey. In grade 11 or 12, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and creating my dream future. In the middle of this daydream, God cleared it away and replaced it with what he as for me. All I could see was sunlight pouring into a room and I could hear children laughing. Last week, I was really struggling with the inevitable return to Edmonton and the bleakness that I feel whenever I consider the next few years of my life. God reminded me of that dream he gave me and of the words he has been speaking over and over this summer: "I have more for you than this."
I realize that these thoughts are not very coherent, but I am tired and needed to just get things off of my chest/mind. My biggest prayer lately has been for freedom. Freedom, peace, and unshakeable joy. I feel as though I am holding onto God with only a few fingers from one hand and those are slipping too.
The last month is definitely taking its toll. I am rather tired of life.
-Elisa.
So, let me re-cap the last month or so in a few paragraphs that will probably be disorganized and rambling.
I have learned a lot about myself this summer but, more importantly, I have learned about God a lot this summer. He has proved his faithfulness to me in countless ways, but I have not always been paying attention. Lately I have been incredibly distracted with moving back to Edmonton and it's been hard to focus on enjoying the moments that God has given to me today. I feel in my heart and soul a deep yearning to be quenched with knowledge of God and to revel in the promises that he has given me, but I am afraid to stop running away. I am struggling with being obedient, and it is causing my soul to ache with thirst and making my mind unguarded because of weariness.
I am learning that God is always faithful to me, regardless of my feelings. I am learning that my faith is not the central, defining factor to who I am. Instead, the object of my faith (Jesus Christ) is central to my life. My ability to have faith is not going to win me any prizes or get me to heaven. Rather, it is Christ's redemptive work on the cross that allows me access to heaven and that is granted to me by God's grace. The prayer of the father from Mark 9 has stuck with me in the past weeks. "I believe; help my unbelief." He believed that Jesus could heal his son, but he still had doubts. I am trying to understand that Jesus wants to remove my doubts. So often I have viewed him as a far-off God who does not care about my struggles, but this is not true. He does want me to succeed.
In the last two weeks, sadness and loneliness have become the two ever-present emotions that shadow every day. This place is familiar to me, because it defined most of grades 8 through 11. But I am tired of gazing at the same scenery and only seeing grey. In grade 11 or 12, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and creating my dream future. In the middle of this daydream, God cleared it away and replaced it with what he as for me. All I could see was sunlight pouring into a room and I could hear children laughing. Last week, I was really struggling with the inevitable return to Edmonton and the bleakness that I feel whenever I consider the next few years of my life. God reminded me of that dream he gave me and of the words he has been speaking over and over this summer: "I have more for you than this."
I realize that these thoughts are not very coherent, but I am tired and needed to just get things off of my chest/mind. My biggest prayer lately has been for freedom. Freedom, peace, and unshakeable joy. I feel as though I am holding onto God with only a few fingers from one hand and those are slipping too.
The last month is definitely taking its toll. I am rather tired of life.
-Elisa.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Erm...Poetry?
Time is my swift ship,
bearing me away from battle-weary shores
and setting me adrift in storm-ridden waters
My mast has broken
and my sails are torn
I am directionless in this ocean
Yet even as the cabin floods
from the tempest's tossing,
I see the promise written in the sky
All will be still again
bearing me away from battle-weary shores
and setting me adrift in storm-ridden waters
My mast has broken
and my sails are torn
I am directionless in this ocean
Yet even as the cabin floods
from the tempest's tossing,
I see the promise written in the sky
All will be still again
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